Bucket List

I think everyone should have a bucket list. Here's mine:

1. Ride in a hot air balloon. I've never been and have always wanted to.

2. Parasailing. It would be the closest to flying I could get.

3. Visit Ireland. It's where my Great Grandfather and Great Great Grandparents are from. I love the culture and history and would love to someday visit.

4. Go back to Hawaii. The islands are so beautiful and I love the warm ocean waters. The air smells so clean there too.

5. Spend a week on the Oregon Coast. I'd really like to rent a beach side house and spend a week walking along the beach, swimming and reading on a patio overlooking the beach. Maybe even do the bonfire thing on the beach.

6. Own land in the mountains with a nice little cabin and a couple of horses.

7. Go to a Gaming Convention. One of the big ones. Gotta satisfy the inner geek.

8. Meet my favorite Author Mercedes Lackey and my favorite band The Moody Blues

9. Go on a cruise, preferably somewhere tropical.

10. And well, I won't list number 10.

Hopefully, I can accomplish some of these in the years to come.

Fighting Despair

Today should have been just another day.

Instead, I found myself despairing of ever making it. My house payment was due today and there just isn't enough money in the account to cover it. I only pray it doesn't clear my checkbook until I get paid Friday.

I still haven't heard anything from CWI. I don't know if they've accepted my application or not. I'll have to call tomorrow and see what I can learn.

I'm getting low on gas in the car and I'm pretty sure there's not enough to get me through till payday in two days. There's another check I'll have to write and pray.

My dryer is acting up and I'm fairly certain there's something wrong with the heating element.

I'm just plain flat tired. Tired of struggling paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. Tired of everything that needs to be done around the house that never seems to get done.

I'm tired of dealing with my Ex. I wish he would get it that we are done, through, finished.

I'm tired of hurting. My heart and soul ache to feel loving arms holding me tight. Even though I know the time is not right and I need to heal more, I still ache.

I wish I could run away from it all.

Tomorrow is another day. Everything will look better in the light of a new day.

For tonight though, I'll give in to the despair and cry myself to sleep.

Then again, maybe not. There's always hope.

New Beginnings

So, today's the day.

Since today is my first furlough of this fiscal year, I have decided it would be a good time to go to CWI and apply. I'm hoping to attend and get my degree in Web Design. I'm praying to qualify for enough financial aid to pay for the courses. And, to be honest, I'm scared.

I attended college briefly right out of high school. Didn't even finish my first year. I was too burned out on school and my heart wasn't in it.

Later in life, I took the A+ courses in the hopes on being certified to do IT work. I enjoyed the classes and learned a lot. That plan failed when after hard studying and practicing, I couldn't pass the tests to be certified. I've never done well with testing.

So now, I've decided to try again. I want something more in life. I want a career and job that I can be satisfied with, that I'm happy with. Something I can wake up to each morning and want to do.

But still, that nagging feeling that I'm going to fail again persists. It seems like so much in my life that I've tried to do has ended that way.

In my mind, I know I'm not a failure. My heart has a difficult time believing that though.

Circumstances always change the road we are on. While I may trip and fall, I will pick myself and continue on.

And pray, that someday, the road I follow will lead to true peace, happiness and contentment with myself and the life I've built.