Sorrow

Tonight I received the terrible news.

He was my little brother in everything but blood. We grew up together. His Mom took me in as one of her own when I so desperately needed a haven.

He was a kind, gentle soul. His love knew no bounds for his family and friends. He was the one who would willingly give you the shirt off his back and last dollar.

I am grateful that we were able to spend some time together last month. I am grieved that I will no longer hear his laugh, see his smile, or receive another bear hug from him.

Billy was epileptic and not once in his life did he let that slow him down. Last night, he had a seizure, hit his head on the table, and died instantly.

My heart aches, I sorrow at the loss of such a kind and loving man. I miss my friend, my little brother.

I hope you finally found some peace Bill. Spread your wings and fly little brother.

Rest in Peace

William "Billy" Myrick

January 11,1978 to July 9, 2010

Dreams

Well I've had dreams enough for one
And I've got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

Where is this place that we have found
Nobody knows where we are bound
I long to hear, I need to see
Cos I've shed tears too many for me

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

On the wind soaring free
Spread your wings
I'm beginning to see
Out of mind far from view
Beyond the reach of a nightmare come true

Well I've had dreams enough for one
And I got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...
Someway...

"New Horizons"

~Moody Blues~

How can life compare to the dreams that haunt me at night? Some mornings, I wake up, and cry. Reality sets in and it's nothing to my dreams. It hurts some days to face the reality of my life.

And that bothers me...

My life is not bad. It's not horrible. I have the love of Family and Friends. I have a home, food on my table, a few "toys", a car, a job. It's more than some people have. And yet...

I don't have my dreams.

In school, I wrote. Poetry, short stories...I was even considered good at it. I was moved into an accelerated english class for two years. I felt a muse, working in my soul. I wanted to create. I tried art class in High School, and no matter how hard I worked, I barely passed. So, I decided, art was not the muse calling me and turned back to the poetry that welled deep in my soul.

I wrote all through High School and the few months of College. I continued to write as I left the life and home I had known for 19 years and moved to Boise. And then somewhere, sometime along the way, the words no longer flowed. My muse abandoned me and my soul felt empty.

I used to carry a notebook and pen with me everywhere, so I could write anytime the muse called. And then, somewhere, sometime, the notebook and pen became a burden that was never used and so, left behind at home.

And then I stopped writing all together.

When I started gaming and running games for my friends, I wrote stories. Stories that captivated my friends and brought them back to my game table time and time again. Suddenly, my muse returned, words flowed from the depths of my soul, and I told stories.

Then, they too disappeared.

I struggle to this day to write and prepare for my biweekly D&D game. The story I started with, slithered from my grasp.

I miss the poetry. The grace and flow of the words from my soul to the paper, written by hand, painstakingly copied again and again, until the whole piece felt complete and right.

"I have dreams enough for one"

Where did all my dreams go? I used to dream of being a Forest Ranger, living in the mountains I love.

I used to dream of owning a bookstore, surrounded by beloved words.

I used to dream of many things...instead I find myself struggling to stay in a positive frame of mind, struggling to pay my bills, struggling to be a good mother for my son, struggling to figure who I am.

So now, instead of holding onto my dreams, I hold onto hope. Hope, that I will find my place in life and maybe find some peace from the dreams at night that make life feel like a nightmare.

Things I'd Do When I Become the Evil Overlord

I'm in the mood to post, but the thoughts in my head are not floating clearly...so instead I give you this....

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en-masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

I wish I knew who to credit this to...seems like I've had it forever.

Enjoy!

The Road Trip

So, a month ago I received an invitation in the mail for my best friend and adopted sister. See, we went to High School together and pretty much spent the last two years of school running around with each other. Now, the last time I had seen everyone was 10 years ago, for Adam's funeral.

I am sad to say, that at first I seriously thought about not going. It would be so easy to make an excuse, find a reason to say no. I was scared, nervous, and uncertain. I wanted to be there for her special day...but at the same time, so many people to face, to explain why I never moved home, why I lost contact for so long...

I began making plans...a place to stay while in Lewiston, arrangements for my Son, someone to watch Sadie pup. But really, my feet dragged, my heart felt heavy at the thought of driving to the place I once called home.

I went through my hope chest one night, looking for some bits of my old poetry, thinking I'd update my blog with some old poems. What I really found were memories, pictures, stories, warmth and friendship...so many things forgotten with the new life I'd built 300 miles away.

That changed my whole perspective on the trip. I began looking forward to the drive north...I couldn't wait to see Taz, Mudpup, Gnome and everyone else.

What a joyous feeling to be reunited with my Pack Family! The love, friendship, the hugs, caring and fierce protectiveness over each other. So many happy memories, tinged with sorrow for the few not able to make it. I felt better about myself and the world around me than I had in a very long time. We laughed about old times, cried our hurt on each others shoulders, and reveled in being together again.

The wedding was beautiful, the reception nice, the party at the Alibi was a blast! I do feel a bit guilty that my ex felt he had to leave when I got to the Alibi. I was only avoiding him at the wedding because, well, if he tried to talk to me there I'm sure we would have had words, and not kind ones, which did not need to happen at the wedding. Oh well...

So, all in all...it was a great trip! And needed too...as I left Saturday afternoon to meet up with my family and little boy, I was already looking forward to the next time I could drive up for a visit...and hopefully soon. At, least sooner than 10 years...

Memories and ghosts of the past

Ten years ago today, one my dearest friends was taken from the world. He was far too young, being only one year younger than me. His death was painful, shot by a man he called friend. A stupid argument turned deadly for Adam and his girlfriend.

I remember the long drive to Lewiston to attend his funeral. I remember the many tears, hugs and love, shared between us, his family and friends. I remember the heartbreak as I realized there would be no more hugs, no more "Hey Darlin'" in his unmistakeable voice. I remember thinking of all the things left unsaid between us, that it was now too late to share.

Now all I have are the memories of our time together, ghosts from the past that haunt me to this day. I am blessed for having Adam in my life, for sharing a deep, loving friendship with him. He may have been younger than I, but he will always be my big brother. I know he is still with me, in my heart and in my memories, but sometimes, I swear, I can still feel his tender embrace, his loving arms holding me when I need it most.

Wind to thy wings ashke

In loving memory

Adam Austin Martensen Berglund

June 17, 1977 - May 16, 2000

Things I've Learned...

Over the course of the last year and a half, I've learned a few things about myself and about being a single Mom.

Make a list: I never realized how easy it is to forget. I used to make a mental list of what was needed from the grocery store. No longer...if I don't have a list in hand, I will forget at least three things I need at home. Last time it was 9-volt batteries. The batteries are low in the smoke detectors and now it sounds like there are a family of crickets in the house.

Keep a calendar: Doesn't matter if it's online, in your phone, or a pocket calendar. It is handy to write down due dates for bills, when my Avon orders are due, and the various school functions for my Son. I almost forgot about class pictures tomorrow, until my Son reminded me. Sadly, the calendar I bought at New Year's didn't quite work out like I'd hoped. Fortunately, I had another that I'm going to try and use.

Pay attention to your Finances: I make it a habit to balance my checkbook online every day. What a lifesaver that has been. A couple of times, I have made a debit card purchase and forgot to either write it down or put the receipt in the check register to write down later. By balancing every day I've saved myself from overdraft a couple of times. It also helps me plan for those few times where there is a little something extra and I can treat my Son and I to dinner, or ice cream or buying a new movie/game.

Set aside time for your Family: After the divorce, it took me some time to learn how to balance working full time, being a Mom full time, and making sure everything was taken care of (bills, laundry, groceries, etc). I eventually realized that I wasn't really spending anytime with my Son. We would eat dinner together. He would play while I cleaned the kitchen, house or worked on laundry. Then at bedtime, I would read him a book. Not much time for just us to play or relax together. I do my best to make sure I play with him in the evenings, even if it only for 10-15 minutes. I sit down with him whenever he has homework, instead of trying to multi-task. Sunday afternoons when we get home from Church and my Parents house, we snuggle on the couch and watch a movie together. That is OUR time together. Saturdays vary, although if it is our weekend together, I try to include something fun for my Son during the day.

Set aside time for yourself: Boy if there was a toughie for me to learn, it was this one. I all too often would only focus on my Son, the house or a million and one tasks that needed to be done. Now, I set aside time for myself every day. Whether it's nothing more than reading for an hour after my Son's in bed, chatting online, or when it's his weekend at Dad's, I go out to a friends house.

I should have finished this and posted it last week, but just never got back to it...well, at least it's done now!

Patience, Faith and Love

Patience...
My Dad has never been known for his patience. As I grew older, I soon learned that my patience was on the same level as his. I was quick to anger, would blow my top, then walk away. I was slow to forgive, and I NEVER forgot.

I'm not sure exactly when this changed for me. But as I grew older, I became more patient, more forgiving and it takes a lot to get me angry enough to lose my temper.

I now find myself striving more to keep my patience. With my Son and most especially with my Ex. Although, I may struggle sometimes with my son, I'm getting better with him. I can only hope that as he grows older, he will understand that I did the best I could. I have so far managed to keep my patience with my Ex. There are too many things I could say that would hurt him, and I know that he is already hurting. I wish he could realize many things and find the path to moving on with his life.

(If you have a problem with religion skip the next part...)

Faith...
When I was younger, I struggled mightily with my faith. My Dad was raised very strict Catholic. My Mom joined the Catholic church later in life. Her attitude is little more relaxed than Dad's, but she is very strong in her faith. I think I rebelled so much because I was made to go every Sunday and didn't really understand why.

I actually left the church for several years. I was angry at the Church, and had taken many issues with "organized religion". When I found my way back to the Church, it was through many hours of deep contemplation and guidance from my Mom. Thank you for that Mom.

As I've traveled down the path of divorce, I have found myself taking great strength from my faith. I'm learning more about myself and the depth of passion I have for God. When I feel weak, I close my eyes and give all my worries, fears, and concerns to God. It surprised me how much it helps to do that.

I have to honestly say, I had never really felt "the hand of God" in my heart and soul. One reason why I couldn't understand going every Sunday and having such passion for God as I had seen so many others have, that is until a couple of weeks ago.

I knelt there praying, waiting for mass to begin. I had been struggling again, feeling unable to cope with my hurts. I prayed, I opened my heart, I asked for the strength to continue and suddenly I felt Him. My heart felt lighter, the burden was still there, but perhaps not as heavy as it had been. Tears came to my eyes as for the first in my 33 years, I Felt Him and His Love for me.

What a powerful feeling...even now I am still awed by the feeling.

Love...
The greatest gift in this world is Love. I am constantly amazed by the Love I see in those around me. When I feel at my lowest, and that I couldn't possible go on, something reminds me that I am surrounded by Love. The reminders come from not only the family I was born into, but the family of friends who have chosen to be in my life. Sometimes it's as simple as a message on Facebook, a phone call or a forwarded e-mail. It's those precious moments when my Son tells me he loves me and asks for a hug. I am fortunate to have so much Love in my life.

It's easy sometimes to forget the love of family and friends when my heart aches. I often find myself jealous of those around me. They have found the love of a true partner and best friend in their significant other. Me? I couldn't hold my marriage together. Looking back, I have discovered that it really wasn't that healthy of a relationship. I am moving on, looking towards the future, even if it is a future that sometimes looks bleak. I often ask myself, why? Why is it the one guy I felt interest in, disappeared when he found out I had a son? Why is it a very good, married friend thought there something more than friendship there and destroyed the friendship by acting on those thoughts? Why is it, the only guy who wants to date me and be a part of my life is the Ex?

I've been divorced for one year and three months. I journey along the path, stoically accepting the pot holes and bumps. I remind myself daily, that there is hope, but I must have patience, faith and love...and really, that's all that matters.