Pointless Ramblings

Time take this sadness from me, Time bring my heart back safely - December Snow, The Moody Blues

I meant to post around Thanksgiving about all the blessings in my life and what I'm thankful for. Time slipped away though and the words were said to the people in my life instead of a meaningless post on the internet that few, if any read...

I meant to post three weeks ago at the beginning of Advent. What a joyous time of year in the Catholic church. We prepare for the birth of Jesus and it's the beginning of the liturgical calendar. Time slipped away again as life caught up and the many preparations for the upcoming Holidays took over.

Tonight, I made the startling realization that it has been officially two years and one week since that painful day in the courtroom and the knowledge there was no turning back. The hurt has faded and the wounded heart is healing. The pain I thought would never go away is not what I remember those two years ago. Time will never completely take away the hurt, but as time marches on it fades with distance.

The house is empty tonight except for the animals and myself. The boy is off with his Dad and the roomie is at work for his 24 hour shift. It's not often I get the house to myself and instead of working on my to do list and Christmas projects, I curled up on the couch under my fuzzy blankie and read my book. I'll regret that decision tomorrow as I rush to get caught up, but at the moment, I don't care.

Driving home from reconciliation tonight, past failures and shortcomings blinded me. All the things I wish I could have done differently to spare this hurt or that screw up. I cried all the way home, the bright light of the future so far away. I have struggled these last two years, rebuilding my life for the sake of my boy. I try to be there for all my friends, for my family and especially my son. I feel like I'm floundering though, as if there is something I should be doing for myself. And I can't even figure out what that is.

I have failed my dearest friends by not being there when they need me. I have failed in my vows to God above for watching my marriage fade into divorce and not working harder to keep it together. I have failed my family for the times when I do not attend family gatherings simply because I am not in the mood to attend.

I am being selfish I know it. I have a home, a job, a car, my son, friends and family. And yet even with all this, I feel so lonely and empty. I'm tired of carrying the burden of it all alone. I'm sick of trying to pay bills/house payment with a paycheck that barely covers it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, laundry and grocery shopping. But at the end of the day, I would do it all again, for the hugs and "I love you's" from my son make it all worth it and will for the rest of my life.

Everything I do, is for my son. Without him I would be drifting aimless through life. I count my blessings everyday, I pray to God for those I love, to protect and surround them with His love. And yet, I want to be selfish and cry out in anger and hurt. I know it's pointless. However, a person can stay strong and positive for only so long.

So, tonight I allow myself a moment or two of weakness, tears and self-pity, before I crawl into bed, count my blessings, say my prayers and sleep. Tomorrow is another day.