Lost in the dark

The last couple of weeks have been difficult and I often feel as if I am wandering, lost in the dark.

In one week, my world has dimmed.

I miss my heart sister. And even though I know she would not want me to grieve and sorrow as much as I am, I'm finding it difficult not to. She was my sister in everything but blood, my best friend, my angel and my light. I grieve for her family and friends to whom she meant so much to. What else can I do but to continue on with my daily life and try not to think too much of the pain in my heart? I hope she won't be too mad at me when we meet again further down the road.

I'm losing my house. The payments are just too much and I'm so very tired of struggling month to month to make ends meet. It hurts every time I have to tell my Son no when he asks if we can do this or that because I don't have the money. It bothers me that I cannot properly maintain my home and yard simply because paying the mortgage and bills leaves me with nothing.

I spoke with my mortgage company and there is nothing they can do to drop my mortgage payments. The options they gave me? One: get a roommate. Hmmm, well I have one of those and since my change in pay grade, it's just not enough anymore. Raising his rent is not an option. Two: Get a second job. I work full time (40 hours a week) and I'm a single mom. Really? You expect me to get another job, miss out on my son's life and spend half of the second check to pay for his care? Try again. Three: Short sell the house. Oh joy. Try to sell my poor, run down house in a neighborhood with half a dozen homes already in foreclosure or short sale. The kicker to a short sale? My ex would have to do everything with me. And our credit will be shot for 7 to 10 years. Even better was the last comment: "I'll understand if you decide to no longer make your payments, but realize it's going to affect your credit." What, like the short sale wouldn't? Come on people throw me a friggin bone here! I have busted my ass these last two and a half years to make my payments on time and in full. And when I come to you, asking for help to stay in my home, this is what I get???

I am hurting, sorrowing, grieving and very, very angry. There is no help for me and it frustrates the hell outta me. Tomorrow I will call the housing counselors that are offered free through my credit union and see what they have to say. I'm scared of what they'll have to say. I'm not sure if I want them to help me stay in my home or if it is really time to let it go, walk away from it all and start all over.

And just when I think my path is the darkest it's been, somehow, a beam of sunlight peaks through, to remind me of one very special angel watching over us all. Blindly I may walk this road, but I walk it holding tightly to the love of those in my life, my hope, my faith, and prayers that this is the road the Lord intended for me.