Falling Apart

Looking back over the Summer, it seemed that things were going so well. Renewed the lease on my awesome apartment. Fun summer outings with my boy. Afternoons at the pool with my boy and friends. Reconnecting with a longtime friend and old flame. Purchased a new car (well new to me anyways). Road trip to Reno to see my oldest Brother and his family, in my new car. A planned road trip up north to see my longtime friend. And then, slowly, everything started to unravel. My Best Friend found a lump in her breast. After a mammogram, various testing, doctor appointments, and so on, she was scheduled for a mastectomy. I spent the day at the hospital with her wife and another friend, waiting. Cancer was found in the lymph nodes also but otherwise the surgery went well. I struggle daily to stay strong for them both. Burying deep the fear of losing another loved one so soon after losing V. So far, I've managed to do so. I've only fallen apart once and I called another friend until I could get myself together again. The results from the pathology tests came back. The tumor is at Stage 3 and she now faces Chemotherapy and Radiation. But not alone, never alone. Between myself, her wife, and other family and friends, she will never be alone. I used what little money I had set aside as a down payment for the car. I won't deny, I needed the car. My little cavalier was going down hill and I'd already paid out about $1000.00 in repairs. I would have been ok financially, except that I haven't seen any child support since the end of August and that was not even half of what I'm owed. I'm behind in bills and it frustrates me. I held onto hope though, that I'd be able to come up with at least the gas money for my trip north. Found out this weekend, his work schedule changed and he's working all next weekend. So, really, no point in driving up. I wouldn't get to spend any time with him. I was looking so forward to it. A chance to get out of town, forget all my worries for one weekend, and best of all, spend a weekend with my friend. Oh well, there will hopefully be other opportunities to go up. I'm tired, I'm frustrated and anymore, I just want to curl up in a little ball and tell the world to eff off. But I can't, and I won't. I made promises to never close myself off and shut down like I did last year. Ok. Enough wallowing in self pity. Tomorrow's a new day. I will not fall apart.