Letting Go of 2010

Happy New Year! 2011 has officially begun!!

As I watched the ball in Times Square drop, I wrote a list of all I wanted and needed to let go from 2010. When midnight hit, I stepped out back, lit some fireworks and burned my list.

Now, as I watch Star Trek and kick back in my warm fuzzy pants, I will write a list of all my hopes, dreams, and desires for the New Year. That list I will carry in my purse so that I can remind myself of all the possibilities a new year brings.

And so to you my dear readers, I wish you a New Year that brings what you deserve and your heart's desire.

Welcome 2011!

Pointless Ramblings

Time take this sadness from me, Time bring my heart back safely - December Snow, The Moody Blues

I meant to post around Thanksgiving about all the blessings in my life and what I'm thankful for. Time slipped away though and the words were said to the people in my life instead of a meaningless post on the internet that few, if any read...

I meant to post three weeks ago at the beginning of Advent. What a joyous time of year in the Catholic church. We prepare for the birth of Jesus and it's the beginning of the liturgical calendar. Time slipped away again as life caught up and the many preparations for the upcoming Holidays took over.

Tonight, I made the startling realization that it has been officially two years and one week since that painful day in the courtroom and the knowledge there was no turning back. The hurt has faded and the wounded heart is healing. The pain I thought would never go away is not what I remember those two years ago. Time will never completely take away the hurt, but as time marches on it fades with distance.

The house is empty tonight except for the animals and myself. The boy is off with his Dad and the roomie is at work for his 24 hour shift. It's not often I get the house to myself and instead of working on my to do list and Christmas projects, I curled up on the couch under my fuzzy blankie and read my book. I'll regret that decision tomorrow as I rush to get caught up, but at the moment, I don't care.

Driving home from reconciliation tonight, past failures and shortcomings blinded me. All the things I wish I could have done differently to spare this hurt or that screw up. I cried all the way home, the bright light of the future so far away. I have struggled these last two years, rebuilding my life for the sake of my boy. I try to be there for all my friends, for my family and especially my son. I feel like I'm floundering though, as if there is something I should be doing for myself. And I can't even figure out what that is.

I have failed my dearest friends by not being there when they need me. I have failed in my vows to God above for watching my marriage fade into divorce and not working harder to keep it together. I have failed my family for the times when I do not attend family gatherings simply because I am not in the mood to attend.

I am being selfish I know it. I have a home, a job, a car, my son, friends and family. And yet even with all this, I feel so lonely and empty. I'm tired of carrying the burden of it all alone. I'm sick of trying to pay bills/house payment with a paycheck that barely covers it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, laundry and grocery shopping. But at the end of the day, I would do it all again, for the hugs and "I love you's" from my son make it all worth it and will for the rest of my life.

Everything I do, is for my son. Without him I would be drifting aimless through life. I count my blessings everyday, I pray to God for those I love, to protect and surround them with His love. And yet, I want to be selfish and cry out in anger and hurt. I know it's pointless. However, a person can stay strong and positive for only so long.

So, tonight I allow myself a moment or two of weakness, tears and self-pity, before I crawl into bed, count my blessings, say my prayers and sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

A little too loud

One of those days

needed something more than the radio.

Dug out The Moody Blues

turned the volume up a little too loud, thoughts lost in the music.

Counting my blessings

the daily reminders, the richness of my life.

Yet at the end of the day

still feeling so empty.

Birthday Blessings

And so I find another year has passed and I am a year older. I count my blessings, secure in the knowledge that I am loved by Family and Friends, my Son is growing up happy and healthy. I have a home, a car, a job and food for my table. I am blessed with people who walk the road of life with me and occasionally carry me as I face troubled times. I look forward to the next year full of opportunities and continued blessings. I travel the road ahead with my head held high, holding on to hope, faith and love.

Thank you for walking this road of life with me. My life is blessed because of you.

Bucket List

I think everyone should have a bucket list. Here's mine:

1. Ride in a hot air balloon. I've never been and have always wanted to.

2. Parasailing. It would be the closest to flying I could get.

3. Visit Ireland. It's where my Great Grandfather and Great Great Grandparents are from. I love the culture and history and would love to someday visit.

4. Go back to Hawaii. The islands are so beautiful and I love the warm ocean waters. The air smells so clean there too.

5. Spend a week on the Oregon Coast. I'd really like to rent a beach side house and spend a week walking along the beach, swimming and reading on a patio overlooking the beach. Maybe even do the bonfire thing on the beach.

6. Own land in the mountains with a nice little cabin and a couple of horses.

7. Go to a Gaming Convention. One of the big ones. Gotta satisfy the inner geek.

8. Meet my favorite Author Mercedes Lackey and my favorite band The Moody Blues

9. Go on a cruise, preferably somewhere tropical.

10. And well, I won't list number 10.

Hopefully, I can accomplish some of these in the years to come.

Fighting Despair

Today should have been just another day.

Instead, I found myself despairing of ever making it. My house payment was due today and there just isn't enough money in the account to cover it. I only pray it doesn't clear my checkbook until I get paid Friday.

I still haven't heard anything from CWI. I don't know if they've accepted my application or not. I'll have to call tomorrow and see what I can learn.

I'm getting low on gas in the car and I'm pretty sure there's not enough to get me through till payday in two days. There's another check I'll have to write and pray.

My dryer is acting up and I'm fairly certain there's something wrong with the heating element.

I'm just plain flat tired. Tired of struggling paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. Tired of everything that needs to be done around the house that never seems to get done.

I'm tired of dealing with my Ex. I wish he would get it that we are done, through, finished.

I'm tired of hurting. My heart and soul ache to feel loving arms holding me tight. Even though I know the time is not right and I need to heal more, I still ache.

I wish I could run away from it all.

Tomorrow is another day. Everything will look better in the light of a new day.

For tonight though, I'll give in to the despair and cry myself to sleep.

Then again, maybe not. There's always hope.

New Beginnings

So, today's the day.

Since today is my first furlough of this fiscal year, I have decided it would be a good time to go to CWI and apply. I'm hoping to attend and get my degree in Web Design. I'm praying to qualify for enough financial aid to pay for the courses. And, to be honest, I'm scared.

I attended college briefly right out of high school. Didn't even finish my first year. I was too burned out on school and my heart wasn't in it.

Later in life, I took the A+ courses in the hopes on being certified to do IT work. I enjoyed the classes and learned a lot. That plan failed when after hard studying and practicing, I couldn't pass the tests to be certified. I've never done well with testing.

So now, I've decided to try again. I want something more in life. I want a career and job that I can be satisfied with, that I'm happy with. Something I can wake up to each morning and want to do.

But still, that nagging feeling that I'm going to fail again persists. It seems like so much in my life that I've tried to do has ended that way.

In my mind, I know I'm not a failure. My heart has a difficult time believing that though.

Circumstances always change the road we are on. While I may trip and fall, I will pick myself and continue on.

And pray, that someday, the road I follow will lead to true peace, happiness and contentment with myself and the life I've built.