Things I didn't say

Before I even knew how much I needed you, 

You walked back into my life,

With that smile I fell in love with,

All those years ago.

You wrapped your arms around me,

And the years disappeared,

As if the last time you held me,

Was only yesterday.

Our time together was short,

We shared memories,

Built new ones,

And dreamed of the future.

When it was all said and done,

Hearts and passions shared,

Instead of saying what was hidden deep down,

I stood, and watched you walk away. 

And now I sit here,

Holding back the tears,

Wishing I had asked you,

 To please, just stay.

Retreat wrap up

I meant to write my final blog on the retreat Sunday, but chores wait for no one, and mine were patiently waiting for me Sunday evening. All I can really say is, Wow! Last weekend was such an amazing and wonderful experience. My heart feels light and I find myself laughing more. I wish I could find the words to properly convey what I walked away with last weekend. Monday night was our first small faith community meeting. It was so cool to sit down in a small group of people who share my faith. We will be studying and learning more about the Catholic faith and the Holy Trinity. I look forward to our weekly meetings. Hopefully, down the road, I'll be able to find a regular babysitter so my son can stay home. And now it's time for my nightly devotional and prayers.

Retreat day 2

There are no words to truly describe today. It was amazing, wonderful, filled with love, laughter, tears, and release. For so many years, I felt lost, merely going through the motions of being Catholic. Today has changed that feeling. Finally, I let go of old hurts and fears, embraced God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit in my life. For the first time, I felt the Holy Spirt move through me. It was fire and ice, raging storm and peaceful mountain lake all at once. All those times camping when the sheer beauty of the mountains would take my breath away, I can now recognize as the Holy Spirit reaching out to me, if I only knew how to listen. Tomorrow will be the last day of the retreat. I am saddened by this, but also filled with joy because I have grown closer to my God, my Savior and his Holy Ghost. We will be placed in our small faith communities and I am looking forward to meeting them and continuing to grow in my faith. I don't feel so lost anymore. I know who I am and I can see the road ahead, more clearly than I have in my life. I open my heart to you Lord. My life is yours to do with as you see fit. Mind, body, soul, I am yours.

Retreat: Day 1

I made it through work, excited and nervous for the first day of the retreat. I don't know a lot of people at my church so I was a little scared when I first walked in. Thankfully one of my Son's teachers was there. She greeted me and we chatted for a bit until more of what would be my faith community for the weekend showed up. We ate dinner and talked, just taking some time to get to know each other. After all, we would be spending the weekend together. After dinner, we gathered in the gym, singing at first. We sang many of my favorite hymns. I just lost myself in the music. We listened to speakers then broke into our smaller groups to talk. I found myself opening up and letting out hurts that I had buried deep. It was different somehow, opening myself to these women I'd just met versus talking with my family and friends. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Pre-Evangelization Retreat Weekend

Thursday night ... The day before the retreat begins: I have confirmed my registration for the retreat. I was told to wear comfy clothes and bring a pillow to sit on, since we'll be sitting a lot. I was given a phone number that I could be contacted at in case of emergency. It will be weird to not have my phone with me. I carry it everywhere (except Church Sunday mornings) mostly so my Son's school/daycare can reach me. All meals will be provided, so I won't have to cook until Sunday evening. My Son gets to spend the weekend with his Dad and my folks, what a treat for him! The retreat runs Friday 5:30 to 9:00 pm, Saturday 7:00 am to 9:00 pm, and Sunday 7:15 am to 4:30. Oh my ... But considering I've been trying to go to one for almost two years, the time is finally here. My boy is taken care of for the weekend and my busy schedule cleared for this. Through out the divorce I turned to my faith for the strength to make it though the rough road my life was on. Now, it's time to take that faith a step further and renew my relationship with Him. If I'm not too tired tomorrow night, I'll write more.

Content and Zen-like

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." ~Thornton Wilder

I went to a good friends house last night for dinner and afterwards we all went to Winter Garden aGlow. In the course of the conversation, I stated simply that I am content with my life. I enjoy my job, love the people I work with, and can honestly see myself working there until retirement. I am comfortable in my apartment and living the apartment life. Granted, I've only been here for about 6 months, but there is a certain amount of relief in being an apartment tenant. I don't have the same worries and concerns as with a house. I feel that I can focus my time and energy in maintaing my life and relationships, not maintaining a house and yard.

Well, this started the hamster and his wheel in my brain. The more I think about it, the more I feel Content and Zen towards my life.

I have a plan for the next 6 months to a year. I won't plan any further out than that, because that's when Fate steps in and goes squish!

I'm going to continue working on my health. Gotta get that blood pressure down and weight while I'm at it.

I need to start putting money in savings and getting my household budget worked out. For one, my car is going to need to be replaced soon. For another, I'm sick of living pay check to pay check. And at some point in time, I really would like to buy a new TV for the living room. No particular reason ... just because I want one.

I'm going to focus on the simpler things in life. Spending time with my boy, friends and family but also spending time by myself. I've realized that I need my alone time to keep myself balanced and focused.

Lastly, I need to remind myself to give in once in a while and buy or do something not because it's a need but because it's a want.

I won't deny that this has been a difficult year for me. And while I am still dealing with the grief and fall out of the year, I am also counting the blessings in my life. My dragon said it best when he posted this quote on my Facebook page:

"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself"

Walter Anderson

I've spent far too much time wrapped in my hurt and sorrow. Because of that, I've missed out on something beautiful and precious ... my life.

Time to live my life.

Lifestyle changes

It's not that late, but I am weary. My bed calls to me and yet I am reluctant to find my way to it. This has a been long week, full of worry and fear.

I've been taken off my birth control and so this week has been a roller coaster of emotions as my body adjusts. I'm trying to make changes to my lifestyle. Eating better, exercise, giving up a few bad habits. And the roller coaster continues.

Gave blood this morning and now I have to wait for the results. Wondering what the results will be and what it all could possibly mean.

I'm tired and home alone tonight. My bed is big and feeling far to empty. I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.