Memories and music

So first, if you haven't noticed, I've made a few changes to the blog. I've decided it's time to focus on other things in my life. It's been five years since the divorce and I need to put my energy in other, more positive places. I've found my road you could say. When I was growing up, I loved music. When I got my first stereo (with a CD player!) I used to plug in my headphones, turn on a CD and just lose myself in the music. Other times, I would play the latest CD in my collection while I read. I never really thought about it, until I picked up an album I haven't listened to in years. All of a sudden, I remembered the books I was reading when I first listened to that CD. I had just discovered the Dragonlance series. Well, ok, maybe not just discovered. I had already burned through the Chronicles and had just started on the Twins trilogy. About that time I also acquired my first copy of Harry Nilsson's All Time Greatest Hits. The CD played in the background as I avidly read about Raistlin, Crysania, Caramon and Tas' adventures. The song playing in my car took me back to the story. And then I started thinking more about music and its associations in my life. On my walk today, I played The Green Man. And just like that, I was transported back to the day Lola bought the CD for me. I was leaving for my first trip to Hawaii and Lola, knowing how much I loved celtic music, but was a little afraid of the very long flight ahead of me bought this CD for me. I listened to it on the flight over. I listened to it for the first couple of nights as I adjusted to the strange surroundings. Even now, listening to it, I can almost hear the ocean in the background and smell the fresh Hawaiian air. More songs and memories keep popping up. There is a Styx song that every time I hear it, I am transported back to high school and my first dates with my old flame. A Moody Blues song always reminds of my best friend who now lives in another state. Another song I can't listen to anymore because an ex boyfriend ruined it for me. He made up his own lyrics and I hated them. Now, when I hear it, I don't hear the song anymore, but him singing the terrible lyrics that he found so funny. Most memories are good though. Some are bittersweet. Like the song that was sang at my grandmothers funeral. I tear up every time we sing it at church now. I can still see her smile and occasionally hear her laugh. And so on and so on.

Poor little blog

Yesh ... looks like I've been neglecting the blog thing again. Every time I've felt like writing, I end up just going to bed. Hmm ... do I keep the blog and try harder to write every day or at least once a week or give the darn thing up? Decisions, decisions ... Guess I'll give this a try again.

Frustration Abounds (Beware ... Ranting ahead)

I don't even know where to start. It's the Christmas season ... and I'm not feeling it. No excitement, no magic, nothing. Just going through the motions for my boy, who as any 8 year old would be, is excited for the Holidays. Missing far too many people who are no longer here. The holiday season makes it worse. I've made peace with the whole being single thing, but sometimes, when surrounded by couples, the loneliness overwhelms. Fear and concern for a dear friend going through chemotherapy and recovering from a mastectomy. Trying to be strong for her and her wife, help them with the only thing I can, emotional support and love. My finances have gone down the tank. Just when I think I'm getting my head above water, another bill jumps out and screams "SURPRISE!" Most recently, I received a very nice letter from the PMI who holds the $12,000 promissory note I had to sign in order to short sell my home a year ago. They have told me that I obviously have the money and am simply refusing to pay them because 1. I haven't made a payment recently and 2. haven't contacted them (which I have) and that they are going to turn me over to an attorney. Hooray! The original deal we made was for me to call when I mailed a payment in. I haven't been able to mail a payment in, so I called (last month I believe), left a message explaining the whole scraping to make ends meet and never heard back. My bad to assume they got the message and understood that as soon I could scrape up the payment, I would call and mail it in. Grumble ... stupid, stupid me to even sign the damn thing in the first place. I was just so desperate to get rid of that damn house. Deep breath ... And so, I do the only thing I can ... swallow it all down, take it day by day, and pray for a miracle. I can do this. I really can. Deep breath ... Ok. Ranting over. Tomorrow is a new day and well, housework calls.

Falling Apart

Looking back over the Summer, it seemed that things were going so well. Renewed the lease on my awesome apartment. Fun summer outings with my boy. Afternoons at the pool with my boy and friends. Reconnecting with a longtime friend and old flame. Purchased a new car (well new to me anyways). Road trip to Reno to see my oldest Brother and his family, in my new car. A planned road trip up north to see my longtime friend. And then, slowly, everything started to unravel. My Best Friend found a lump in her breast. After a mammogram, various testing, doctor appointments, and so on, she was scheduled for a mastectomy. I spent the day at the hospital with her wife and another friend, waiting. Cancer was found in the lymph nodes also but otherwise the surgery went well. I struggle daily to stay strong for them both. Burying deep the fear of losing another loved one so soon after losing V. So far, I've managed to do so. I've only fallen apart once and I called another friend until I could get myself together again. The results from the pathology tests came back. The tumor is at Stage 3 and she now faces Chemotherapy and Radiation. But not alone, never alone. Between myself, her wife, and other family and friends, she will never be alone. I used what little money I had set aside as a down payment for the car. I won't deny, I needed the car. My little cavalier was going down hill and I'd already paid out about $1000.00 in repairs. I would have been ok financially, except that I haven't seen any child support since the end of August and that was not even half of what I'm owed. I'm behind in bills and it frustrates me. I held onto hope though, that I'd be able to come up with at least the gas money for my trip north. Found out this weekend, his work schedule changed and he's working all next weekend. So, really, no point in driving up. I wouldn't get to spend any time with him. I was looking so forward to it. A chance to get out of town, forget all my worries for one weekend, and best of all, spend a weekend with my friend. Oh well, there will hopefully be other opportunities to go up. I'm tired, I'm frustrated and anymore, I just want to curl up in a little ball and tell the world to eff off. But I can't, and I won't. I made promises to never close myself off and shut down like I did last year. Ok. Enough wallowing in self pity. Tomorrow's a new day. I will not fall apart.

Things I didn't say

Before I even knew how much I needed you, 

You walked back into my life,

With that smile I fell in love with,

All those years ago.

You wrapped your arms around me,

And the years disappeared,

As if the last time you held me,

Was only yesterday.

Our time together was short,

We shared memories,

Built new ones,

And dreamed of the future.

When it was all said and done,

Hearts and passions shared,

Instead of saying what was hidden deep down,

I stood, and watched you walk away. 

And now I sit here,

Holding back the tears,

Wishing I had asked you,

 To please, just stay.

Retreat wrap up

I meant to write my final blog on the retreat Sunday, but chores wait for no one, and mine were patiently waiting for me Sunday evening. All I can really say is, Wow! Last weekend was such an amazing and wonderful experience. My heart feels light and I find myself laughing more. I wish I could find the words to properly convey what I walked away with last weekend. Monday night was our first small faith community meeting. It was so cool to sit down in a small group of people who share my faith. We will be studying and learning more about the Catholic faith and the Holy Trinity. I look forward to our weekly meetings. Hopefully, down the road, I'll be able to find a regular babysitter so my son can stay home. And now it's time for my nightly devotional and prayers.

Retreat day 2

There are no words to truly describe today. It was amazing, wonderful, filled with love, laughter, tears, and release. For so many years, I felt lost, merely going through the motions of being Catholic. Today has changed that feeling. Finally, I let go of old hurts and fears, embraced God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit in my life. For the first time, I felt the Holy Spirt move through me. It was fire and ice, raging storm and peaceful mountain lake all at once. All those times camping when the sheer beauty of the mountains would take my breath away, I can now recognize as the Holy Spirit reaching out to me, if I only knew how to listen. Tomorrow will be the last day of the retreat. I am saddened by this, but also filled with joy because I have grown closer to my God, my Savior and his Holy Ghost. We will be placed in our small faith communities and I am looking forward to meeting them and continuing to grow in my faith. I don't feel so lost anymore. I know who I am and I can see the road ahead, more clearly than I have in my life. I open my heart to you Lord. My life is yours to do with as you see fit. Mind, body, soul, I am yours.