I feel like I've been neglecting my blog, but at the same time, with the Holidays and being sick for most of the last month, I just haven't felt like writing...it's been bugging me though, so here's a new entry...
I am a huge fan of Johnny Cash. I love his music...really it's hard to put into words how his music can move me...
Every time I listen to "Hurt", his last song, it moves me to tears. I think mostly because it hits so close to how I feel anymore.
My Son has taken to calling me bad mommy when he gets into trouble or doesn't get what he wants. No matter how many times he's called me that and even though I know he doesn't really mean it, Oh God, it hurts. I've never given in to him when uses that, but still...
I'm exhausted...emotionally, mentally and every way in between. It just seems that every time there's something positive to look forward to, there's two things going wrong. It's never anything major...just little things to remind me that financially, at any time, I will lose my house, my Home. It terrifies me that I have NOTHING in savings. All these little things going wrong are adding up and dammit before too long I will not be able to keep up. Then what? I have to find a new home for my Son's dog and my cat. Try to find an apartment close by that will allow my Son to continue at his school (he loves it so!).
Pride is a terrible thing when it keeps you from asking for help when you need it most. I've swallowed my pride often enough...I just can't seem to this time. I'm mortally tired of not being able to stand on my own two feet, of always needing help. I feel so weak anymore...
A couple of weeks ago, I left my bowling bag at home and had to rent shoes. They weren't my size exactly (it's hard to find 8 1/2 wide shoes). They were big and hard to bowl in.
My life feels like rental shoes, it just doesn't fit right. My Single Mom shoes are a little big, leaving room to grow...that's to be expected, I know they will probably never be a perfect fit until he's grown and can fully understand everything I've done (will do) for him. I stumble and fall a lot though. Each time is a learning experience but the scrapes and bruises still hurt.
My Daughter/Sister/Niece/overall family shoes feel like they fit...for years they felt tight and restricted but as I've grown older and hopefully wiser, they feel better now.
My Friend shoes are comfortable...worn and scuffed in places, but held together with duct tape of love. Hmm...that sounded better in my head than it does on paper...
There are times though, when my shoes feel too big for me and I just don't fit in with my life... all I can do is tie the laces a little tighter and go forward with faith and love that someday they will fit.
Don't even get me started on using a bowling ball besides my own...
And now my kind readers, my tears have dried, and with Johnny ringing in my head, it's off to bed and sleep for me...at least in sleep I can find a tiny bit of peace...
