Content and Zen-like

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." ~Thornton Wilder

I went to a good friends house last night for dinner and afterwards we all went to Winter Garden aGlow. In the course of the conversation, I stated simply that I am content with my life. I enjoy my job, love the people I work with, and can honestly see myself working there until retirement. I am comfortable in my apartment and living the apartment life. Granted, I've only been here for about 6 months, but there is a certain amount of relief in being an apartment tenant. I don't have the same worries and concerns as with a house. I feel that I can focus my time and energy in maintaing my life and relationships, not maintaining a house and yard.

Well, this started the hamster and his wheel in my brain. The more I think about it, the more I feel Content and Zen towards my life.

I have a plan for the next 6 months to a year. I won't plan any further out than that, because that's when Fate steps in and goes squish!

I'm going to continue working on my health. Gotta get that blood pressure down and weight while I'm at it.

I need to start putting money in savings and getting my household budget worked out. For one, my car is going to need to be replaced soon. For another, I'm sick of living pay check to pay check. And at some point in time, I really would like to buy a new TV for the living room. No particular reason ... just because I want one.

I'm going to focus on the simpler things in life. Spending time with my boy, friends and family but also spending time by myself. I've realized that I need my alone time to keep myself balanced and focused.

Lastly, I need to remind myself to give in once in a while and buy or do something not because it's a need but because it's a want.

I won't deny that this has been a difficult year for me. And while I am still dealing with the grief and fall out of the year, I am also counting the blessings in my life. My dragon said it best when he posted this quote on my Facebook page:

"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself"

Walter Anderson

I've spent far too much time wrapped in my hurt and sorrow. Because of that, I've missed out on something beautiful and precious ... my life.

Time to live my life.

Lifestyle changes

It's not that late, but I am weary. My bed calls to me and yet I am reluctant to find my way to it. This has a been long week, full of worry and fear.

I've been taken off my birth control and so this week has been a roller coaster of emotions as my body adjusts. I'm trying to make changes to my lifestyle. Eating better, exercise, giving up a few bad habits. And the roller coaster continues.

Gave blood this morning and now I have to wait for the results. Wondering what the results will be and what it all could possibly mean.

I'm tired and home alone tonight. My bed is big and feeling far to empty. I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.

Midnight Randomness

In the dark of night,

Alone

One silent tear escapes

Followed by another

In the empty night

Alone

No one to hear

The lonely tears

In the dark of night

Alone

There's no one to hear

The pain in my cries

Retaining Sanity

So, I've been neglecting the blog, however it's been a busy summer.

In June the apartment I was hoping for became available sooner than expected and so we moved. I could have waited and continued to live in the house, but honestly, it was wearing me down. I didn't know if the lender would approve the short sale or if the house would foreclose first. I was tired of strange people walking through my home, with an eye to potentially buy it.

The move went smoothly, and my boy and I both are very happy with the new place. He especially loves the swimming pool. :-)

The problem soon began when I had to spend most of my free time at the house, working on the yard and such. I have to continue to pay utilities and maintain the house. The paperwork for the short sale has been submitted four times now, the last two times with an offer attached. I have someone who wants to buy the house and yet, I can't move forward with the sale because the lender won't approve it.

I'm still living out of boxes. I haven't had time to unpack them.

No time for camping trips or anything like that. I did take one weekend for myself and went to Lewiston.

And now, here's the kicker. The lender drove by the house today and flipped out because the house is vacant. Even though they knew it was vacant in JUNE! My real estate agent reassured them, then, that all the utilities were still on and that I was going over there several times a week to take care of the property.

So, I called my agent back today and told her that yes, as before, the utilities were on and I was still going over there to maintain the yard. I had not been over there for the last week due to not feeling well, but had planned to go over this weekend and try to get caught up. Which will be interesting, since I don't have a lawnmower anymore.

Well, now the buyer is worried that the trees and everything is dying because I haven't been over there. The backyard is dead I'm afraid. I have only been keeping up on the front so I don't accrue any fines from the HOA. *sigh*

So here's the idea from my agent. Let the buyer move in now as the caretaker for the property. Buyer would take over utilities and all the yard work while we wait for the freakin' lender to approve the darn short sale. I really could care less. I would have sent the darn keys to the lender long ago except the Ex convinced me it was better to try and make the short sale work. Easy for him to say, he's not doing any of the yard work or responsible for the utilities.

On top of all this, my boy has been acting out more lately. And I have received some criticism on my parenting skills that just hurts. I'm doing the best I can and honestly, calling his dad or some other male figure in his life to back me up will not help. I feel it will only undermine my authority with him. He's 7 years old for pete's sake and from a broken home. There has been a lot of change in his life the last couple of years and I think he's handled it pretty darn well. So, yes, he fights with me and talks back to me. I am being the best single mom I know how to be.

I miss my heart-sister. This weekend, her family goes to their cabin to spread her ashes and set her headstone. I wish I could be there. It's been 5 months since the angels took her, and it feels like yesterday. Sometimes, I can still hear her voice. Some days, I reach for my phone to call her or send a text.

So, every day, I take a deep breath. Remind myself of all the blessings in my life. Hold onto the hope that the pain and frustration won't last forever.

I take it all day by day.

I kneel down and pray.

I dredge up the strength to retain my sanity.

Musings ...

Where there is life, there is hope.

Where there is hope, there is faith.

Where there is faith, there is love.

And where there is love, darkness cannot prevail.

Lost in the dark

The last couple of weeks have been difficult and I often feel as if I am wandering, lost in the dark.

In one week, my world has dimmed.

I miss my heart sister. And even though I know she would not want me to grieve and sorrow as much as I am, I'm finding it difficult not to. She was my sister in everything but blood, my best friend, my angel and my light. I grieve for her family and friends to whom she meant so much to. What else can I do but to continue on with my daily life and try not to think too much of the pain in my heart? I hope she won't be too mad at me when we meet again further down the road.

I'm losing my house. The payments are just too much and I'm so very tired of struggling month to month to make ends meet. It hurts every time I have to tell my Son no when he asks if we can do this or that because I don't have the money. It bothers me that I cannot properly maintain my home and yard simply because paying the mortgage and bills leaves me with nothing.

I spoke with my mortgage company and there is nothing they can do to drop my mortgage payments. The options they gave me? One: get a roommate. Hmmm, well I have one of those and since my change in pay grade, it's just not enough anymore. Raising his rent is not an option. Two: Get a second job. I work full time (40 hours a week) and I'm a single mom. Really? You expect me to get another job, miss out on my son's life and spend half of the second check to pay for his care? Try again. Three: Short sell the house. Oh joy. Try to sell my poor, run down house in a neighborhood with half a dozen homes already in foreclosure or short sale. The kicker to a short sale? My ex would have to do everything with me. And our credit will be shot for 7 to 10 years. Even better was the last comment: "I'll understand if you decide to no longer make your payments, but realize it's going to affect your credit." What, like the short sale wouldn't? Come on people throw me a friggin bone here! I have busted my ass these last two and a half years to make my payments on time and in full. And when I come to you, asking for help to stay in my home, this is what I get???

I am hurting, sorrowing, grieving and very, very angry. There is no help for me and it frustrates the hell outta me. Tomorrow I will call the housing counselors that are offered free through my credit union and see what they have to say. I'm scared of what they'll have to say. I'm not sure if I want them to help me stay in my home or if it is really time to let it go, walk away from it all and start all over.

And just when I think my path is the darkest it's been, somehow, a beam of sunlight peaks through, to remind me of one very special angel watching over us all. Blindly I may walk this road, but I walk it holding tightly to the love of those in my life, my hope, my faith, and prayers that this is the road the Lord intended for me.

Sorrow and Peace

It's not really goodbye my friend, I will see you later

Fly on angel wings and be at peace, heart sister

Going Pink!

Well dear readers, as you may have noticed, my blog has turned pink! This is in honor of my bestest friend and heartsister, V.

She is a breast cancer survivor and this year will be our third year of participating in the Komen Race for the Cure.

Interested in walking with us or perhaps donating to our team? Our team name is Battling for Boobies and the website is www.komenboise.org. You can also find our team shirts with a very special logo at http://www.cafepress.com/gamergeekswp. Proceeds from the Cafe Press sales are split between the Komen Foundation and V's medical bills.

Questions? Just leave me a comment and I will get back to you!

Saint Valentine

Father Len tells the story better, but this is what I could remember:

Saint Valentine was a catholic/christian around 200 BC. He was arrested for being one. Now Valentine was an educated man and his jailer recognizing that asked Valentine to help teach his daughter Julia, who was blind.

Valentine not only helped Julia with her education, but he taught her about God and Jesus. Julia asked Valentine to pray to God and restore her eyesight. Valentine prayed and Julia received her miracle.

Saint Valentine was beheaded. His Jailer, Julia and their family converted to christianity. Julia buried Saint Valentine and planted an almond tree in his honor.

She wrote "Remember my Valentine, for he opened my eyes to love."

The colors for Saint Valentine's Day are red, for the blood he shed and pink for the almond tree flower blossom.

You are my Valentine, my dear friends and family, for you have opened my eyes to love.

Adventures in Motherhood

Sadie pup has this irritating habit of trying to eat my kitten, Fizgig. So, when it's time for my son to go to bed, she either goes outside or in her crate while I read to him.

It was snowing out last night, so I figured I would put her in the crate. My boy had closed my bedroom door. I tried to open the door, only to discover (to my dismay) it was locked. My boy, in his infinite mischievousness had locked and closed the door as he walked out. With a sigh, I let Sadie pup out, hoping she wouldn't get too wet and proceeded to get my boy into bed. We had a nice talk about locking doors, especially when there is no key for said door.

After my boy was safely tucked into bed, the work began on how to get my door open. I tried a screwdriver in the little hole on the knob to no avail. After much pondering and thought on my part (and yep, a little bit of panic) I decided the thing to do would be to remove the door knob. And voila! Instant open door, right? Um...yeah, not so much.

So I got the door knob off, pushed the inner knob out and began fussing and fighting with the inner latch trying to get my gosh darn door open! Finally, I gave in and asked my roomie for help. He was (thankfully) able to muscle the latch open and jump for joy! I could get into my room again!!

I picked up the other inner door knob and placed it on the kitchen table, thinking I would replace the whole darn thing tomorrow as it was getting on past my bedtime.

But wait! My story gets better!

This morning, we got ready for school and work as normal. Sadie pup goes outside while we get ready. As we prepare to leave, I put in her the crate, told her to be a good puppy and I'll see her tonight. Habit kicked in and I closed my bedroom door behind me. You see dear readers, Fizgig and Harlequin will tease Sadie pup in the day and sit right in front of the crate. Sadie pup of course goes nuts, barking and jumping and all sorts of stuff. Doesn't bother me of course, because I'm not home. My poor roomie however, who is home and sleeps during the day, well, it wakes him up. So, I close the door to keep the cats out.

As I closed the knob less door, it dawns on me, that without the door knob it will probably...oh...yep it did. It locked right back up!

Hmmm..this could present a problem if the roomie's not home tonight and I can't get the door open...yikes late for work!

Okay, well it wasn't quite the disaster it could have been. Since I had the inner knob with the lock on it, it was simple to just plug it into the door and voila! Open door.

Maybe I'll get around to reinstalling the door knobs tomorrow.