Patience...
My Dad has never been known for his patience. As I grew older, I soon learned that my patience was on the same level as his. I was quick to anger, would blow my top, then walk away. I was slow to forgive, and I NEVER forgot.
I'm not sure exactly when this changed for me. But as I grew older, I became more patient, more forgiving and it takes a lot to get me angry enough to lose my temper.
I now find myself striving more to keep my patience. With my Son and most especially with my Ex. Although, I may struggle sometimes with my son, I'm getting better with him. I can only hope that as he grows older, he will understand that I did the best I could. I have so far managed to keep my patience with my Ex. There are too many things I could say that would hurt him, and I know that he is already hurting. I wish he could realize many things and find the path to moving on with his life.
(If you have a problem with religion skip the next part...)
Faith...
When I was younger, I struggled mightily with my faith. My Dad was raised very strict Catholic. My Mom joined the Catholic church later in life. Her attitude is little more relaxed than Dad's, but she is very strong in her faith. I think I rebelled so much because I was made to go every Sunday and didn't really understand why.
I actually left the church for several years. I was angry at the Church, and had taken many issues with "organized religion". When I found my way back to the Church, it was through many hours of deep contemplation and guidance from my Mom. Thank you for that Mom.
As I've traveled down the path of divorce, I have found myself taking great strength from my faith. I'm learning more about myself and the depth of passion I have for God. When I feel weak, I close my eyes and give all my worries, fears, and concerns to God. It surprised me how much it helps to do that.
I have to honestly say, I had never really felt "the hand of God" in my heart and soul. One reason why I couldn't understand going every Sunday and having such passion for God as I had seen so many others have, that is until a couple of weeks ago.
I knelt there praying, waiting for mass to begin. I had been struggling again, feeling unable to cope with my hurts. I prayed, I opened my heart, I asked for the strength to continue and suddenly I felt Him. My heart felt lighter, the burden was still there, but perhaps not as heavy as it had been. Tears came to my eyes as for the first in my 33 years, I Felt Him and His Love for me.
What a powerful feeling...even now I am still awed by the feeling.
Love...
The greatest gift in this world is Love. I am constantly amazed by the Love I see in those around me. When I feel at my lowest, and that I couldn't possible go on, something reminds me that I am surrounded by Love. The reminders come from not only the family I was born into, but the family of friends who have chosen to be in my life. Sometimes it's as simple as a message on Facebook, a phone call or a forwarded e-mail. It's those precious moments when my Son tells me he loves me and asks for a hug. I am fortunate to have so much Love in my life.
It's easy sometimes to forget the love of family and friends when my heart aches. I often find myself jealous of those around me. They have found the love of a true partner and best friend in their significant other. Me? I couldn't hold my marriage together. Looking back, I have discovered that it really wasn't that healthy of a relationship. I am moving on, looking towards the future, even if it is a future that sometimes looks bleak. I often ask myself, why? Why is it the one guy I felt interest in, disappeared when he found out I had a son? Why is it a very good, married friend thought there something more than friendship there and destroyed the friendship by acting on those thoughts? Why is it, the only guy who wants to date me and be a part of my life is the Ex?
I've been divorced for one year and three months. I journey along the path, stoically accepting the pot holes and bumps. I remind myself daily, that there is hope, but I must have patience, faith and love...and really, that's all that matters.
