Prepare ye the way...

I love Christmas...the memories of the past, the hope for the future. Even more, I love Advent. The four weeks Catholics spend preparing for the birth of Jesus.

Now, if my above comment regarding my religion offends you in any way, please run along. After many years away from the Church, I have found just what it means to me and I am not ashamed of it. I am also not ashamed to admit, I don't believe in one, true religion. It's having faith that's important, not the deity you worship...but that's a topic for another day. If my religion does not offend, please read on...

Advent for me means much more than just the days leading up to Christmas. There is more joy in the congregation each Sunday. There is something special about lighting the advent candles, hearing the story of Elizabeth and the birth of John the Baptist. Listening to the words of the Angel to Mary...the trials her and Joseph went through...the music seems more magical...

It is the music more than anything. Some of you may not know, but I went to a Catholic School from 1st to 6th grade. I resented this for a lot of years unbeknown to my folks. I know they meant well but really, it left me sadly lacking in social skills needed for public school. On the other hand though, I have some fantastic memories of Saint Stanislaus. The best one however is celebrating Advent. Every morning before school began, we all (the WHOLE school) would gather in the foyer, light the advent candle(s) and sing "O Come O Come Emmanuel". If you don't know the song, ask me, I'll sing (butcher...I have a terrible voice) it for you. Even now, all these years later, the song STILL gives me goosebumps. It is my favorite Christmas Carol even though you'll never hear it on the radio...

When I left the Church after High School, sure, I don't think I realized how much I would miss it, then my Son was born. It was decided he would be raised as Catholic and I went back to Church. My Mom helped me with that. I explained to her why I left and didn't really go back. (There were a lot of politics and crap involved). We don't go to Church just to go to Church, Mom said, but to celebrate life, love and everything God has given us. 5 years and one divorce later, I have found the depth of my faith.

Last Sunday, as Father Len's homily sunk in, I realized that I have not been preparing the way for Jesus and God to be in my heart and my life. I have struggled to cope with the divorce, being a good mother to my Son, a good daughter, sister, friend, co-worker , etc. I had forgotten what Advent meant to me.

Anyways, back to the homily. Father Len spoke of a woman he knew who was full of joy and celebrated everyday of her life. I wish I could convey the depth of his story. No matter what happened, she had joy.

This got me to thinking...surely I have plenty of joy in my life. Why was I sinking deeper into depression? Why was I struggling to maintain personal relationships with family and friends? I had lost the joy...lost my faith...

So, when the road looks dark, I look a little harder for the joy. This morning I had a mishap with some chocolate covered pretzels and deviled eggs I had made for work. I sat down in the office and cried...slipping into the darkness...and then, I realized it really wasn't that big of a disaster. I had time to run the store...buy something to replace what had been lost.

Everytime my Son and I fight, or I find myself frustrated with him...I look for the joy we share. Last Saturday, I carried him from G's house to the car, he woke long enough to tell me the snow banks were beautiful...He also tells me that I am in his Heart when we are apart. There is a lot of joy between us and I refuse to lose it again.

It's difficult, but as this has been my first week rediscovering the joy in life, I think I'm improving. I am trying to focus my energy on the positive, the joys, the love that is already in my life...not what I have lost, how much each day seems to be a struggle, and so on.

There's more I would like to say, but the words elude me...plus I am VERY tired. I've been running all day on 5 hours sleep...

I wish you all Joy in your lives...may it light the road on your journey called life...if you lose it, well, call me and we'll find it together...

Signposts on the road

So, I've hit a milestone...on December 9th, 2008, I sat in a court room and petitioned for a divorce. Irreconcilable differences I said. No, I told the judge, I don't want this, I wanted to go to counseling, try to repair the hurt between us. He wasn't willing...didn't want to try anymore. He had given up on us...

Six months later, he changes his mind...begs me back, professes undying love, and so on...

I started having panic attacks...terrified to go home...petrified of being around him...I felt broken...so I went to counseling.

In September he finally moved out. And now, every time I drop off and pick up our son from his place, I get sad, little puppy eyes. How are you doing, he asks? Is everything ok? Yes, everything is fine...I'm ok. Just tired...worn out...heart weary...sick of living paycheck to paycheck...wondering when the next child support payment will arrive...

Last week, he told me he was taking our son to Given's Hot Springs next time around...and would I like to go? (insert puppy eyes). No, I can't, I say...too much to do...can't get off work and all that...

One whole f*&%$ing year...and what has really changed? Nothing really, except he's changed his mind...I'm still heart weary...tired...lonely...helpless...worthless...broken inside.

Thank God for my Family and Friends...they are the lightposts on the path in my dark journey. I never would have survived this long...

And so the journey of life continues...