So, I've hit a milestone...on December 9th, 2008, I sat in a court room and petitioned for a divorce. Irreconcilable differences I said. No, I told the judge, I don't want this, I wanted to go to counseling, try to repair the hurt between us. He wasn't willing...didn't want to try anymore. He had given up on us...
Six months later, he changes his mind...begs me back, professes undying love, and so on...
I started having panic attacks...terrified to go home...petrified of being around him...I felt broken...so I went to counseling.
In September he finally moved out. And now, every time I drop off and pick up our son from his place, I get sad, little puppy eyes. How are you doing, he asks? Is everything ok? Yes, everything is fine...I'm ok. Just tired...worn out...heart weary...sick of living paycheck to paycheck...wondering when the next child support payment will arrive...
Last week, he told me he was taking our son to Given's Hot Springs next time around...and would I like to go? (insert puppy eyes). No, I can't, I say...too much to do...can't get off work and all that...
One whole f*&%$ing year...and what has really changed? Nothing really, except he's changed his mind...I'm still heart weary...tired...lonely...helpless...worthless...broken inside.
Thank God for my Family and Friends...they are the lightposts on the path in my dark journey. I never would have survived this long...
And so the journey of life continues...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI think everything you've expressed here is valid, except for the part about being worthless, helpless, and broken. These are not words that describe you at all. I don't blame Steve for trying to patch things up with you, he'll never have anything potentially that good again. Life has a way of tainting everything we do based on what we've done in the past. Your conscience is clear, and while you've suffered temptation, you've given into little of it and held a steady course for yourself and your boy.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a year since you divorced, but less than a couple months since he finally got out of your home. You haven't even had time to properly mourn the loss of your marriage. I think once that's been put aside, everything will get easier.