Letting Go of 2010

Happy New Year! 2011 has officially begun!!

As I watched the ball in Times Square drop, I wrote a list of all I wanted and needed to let go from 2010. When midnight hit, I stepped out back, lit some fireworks and burned my list.

Now, as I watch Star Trek and kick back in my warm fuzzy pants, I will write a list of all my hopes, dreams, and desires for the New Year. That list I will carry in my purse so that I can remind myself of all the possibilities a new year brings.

And so to you my dear readers, I wish you a New Year that brings what you deserve and your heart's desire.

Welcome 2011!

Pointless Ramblings

Time take this sadness from me, Time bring my heart back safely - December Snow, The Moody Blues

I meant to post around Thanksgiving about all the blessings in my life and what I'm thankful for. Time slipped away though and the words were said to the people in my life instead of a meaningless post on the internet that few, if any read...

I meant to post three weeks ago at the beginning of Advent. What a joyous time of year in the Catholic church. We prepare for the birth of Jesus and it's the beginning of the liturgical calendar. Time slipped away again as life caught up and the many preparations for the upcoming Holidays took over.

Tonight, I made the startling realization that it has been officially two years and one week since that painful day in the courtroom and the knowledge there was no turning back. The hurt has faded and the wounded heart is healing. The pain I thought would never go away is not what I remember those two years ago. Time will never completely take away the hurt, but as time marches on it fades with distance.

The house is empty tonight except for the animals and myself. The boy is off with his Dad and the roomie is at work for his 24 hour shift. It's not often I get the house to myself and instead of working on my to do list and Christmas projects, I curled up on the couch under my fuzzy blankie and read my book. I'll regret that decision tomorrow as I rush to get caught up, but at the moment, I don't care.

Driving home from reconciliation tonight, past failures and shortcomings blinded me. All the things I wish I could have done differently to spare this hurt or that screw up. I cried all the way home, the bright light of the future so far away. I have struggled these last two years, rebuilding my life for the sake of my boy. I try to be there for all my friends, for my family and especially my son. I feel like I'm floundering though, as if there is something I should be doing for myself. And I can't even figure out what that is.

I have failed my dearest friends by not being there when they need me. I have failed in my vows to God above for watching my marriage fade into divorce and not working harder to keep it together. I have failed my family for the times when I do not attend family gatherings simply because I am not in the mood to attend.

I am being selfish I know it. I have a home, a job, a car, my son, friends and family. And yet even with all this, I feel so lonely and empty. I'm tired of carrying the burden of it all alone. I'm sick of trying to pay bills/house payment with a paycheck that barely covers it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, laundry and grocery shopping. But at the end of the day, I would do it all again, for the hugs and "I love you's" from my son make it all worth it and will for the rest of my life.

Everything I do, is for my son. Without him I would be drifting aimless through life. I count my blessings everyday, I pray to God for those I love, to protect and surround them with His love. And yet, I want to be selfish and cry out in anger and hurt. I know it's pointless. However, a person can stay strong and positive for only so long.

So, tonight I allow myself a moment or two of weakness, tears and self-pity, before I crawl into bed, count my blessings, say my prayers and sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

A little too loud

One of those days

needed something more than the radio.

Dug out The Moody Blues

turned the volume up a little too loud, thoughts lost in the music.

Counting my blessings

the daily reminders, the richness of my life.

Yet at the end of the day

still feeling so empty.

Birthday Blessings

And so I find another year has passed and I am a year older. I count my blessings, secure in the knowledge that I am loved by Family and Friends, my Son is growing up happy and healthy. I have a home, a car, a job and food for my table. I am blessed with people who walk the road of life with me and occasionally carry me as I face troubled times. I look forward to the next year full of opportunities and continued blessings. I travel the road ahead with my head held high, holding on to hope, faith and love.

Thank you for walking this road of life with me. My life is blessed because of you.

Bucket List

I think everyone should have a bucket list. Here's mine:

1. Ride in a hot air balloon. I've never been and have always wanted to.

2. Parasailing. It would be the closest to flying I could get.

3. Visit Ireland. It's where my Great Grandfather and Great Great Grandparents are from. I love the culture and history and would love to someday visit.

4. Go back to Hawaii. The islands are so beautiful and I love the warm ocean waters. The air smells so clean there too.

5. Spend a week on the Oregon Coast. I'd really like to rent a beach side house and spend a week walking along the beach, swimming and reading on a patio overlooking the beach. Maybe even do the bonfire thing on the beach.

6. Own land in the mountains with a nice little cabin and a couple of horses.

7. Go to a Gaming Convention. One of the big ones. Gotta satisfy the inner geek.

8. Meet my favorite Author Mercedes Lackey and my favorite band The Moody Blues

9. Go on a cruise, preferably somewhere tropical.

10. And well, I won't list number 10.

Hopefully, I can accomplish some of these in the years to come.

Fighting Despair

Today should have been just another day.

Instead, I found myself despairing of ever making it. My house payment was due today and there just isn't enough money in the account to cover it. I only pray it doesn't clear my checkbook until I get paid Friday.

I still haven't heard anything from CWI. I don't know if they've accepted my application or not. I'll have to call tomorrow and see what I can learn.

I'm getting low on gas in the car and I'm pretty sure there's not enough to get me through till payday in two days. There's another check I'll have to write and pray.

My dryer is acting up and I'm fairly certain there's something wrong with the heating element.

I'm just plain flat tired. Tired of struggling paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. Tired of everything that needs to be done around the house that never seems to get done.

I'm tired of dealing with my Ex. I wish he would get it that we are done, through, finished.

I'm tired of hurting. My heart and soul ache to feel loving arms holding me tight. Even though I know the time is not right and I need to heal more, I still ache.

I wish I could run away from it all.

Tomorrow is another day. Everything will look better in the light of a new day.

For tonight though, I'll give in to the despair and cry myself to sleep.

Then again, maybe not. There's always hope.

New Beginnings

So, today's the day.

Since today is my first furlough of this fiscal year, I have decided it would be a good time to go to CWI and apply. I'm hoping to attend and get my degree in Web Design. I'm praying to qualify for enough financial aid to pay for the courses. And, to be honest, I'm scared.

I attended college briefly right out of high school. Didn't even finish my first year. I was too burned out on school and my heart wasn't in it.

Later in life, I took the A+ courses in the hopes on being certified to do IT work. I enjoyed the classes and learned a lot. That plan failed when after hard studying and practicing, I couldn't pass the tests to be certified. I've never done well with testing.

So now, I've decided to try again. I want something more in life. I want a career and job that I can be satisfied with, that I'm happy with. Something I can wake up to each morning and want to do.

But still, that nagging feeling that I'm going to fail again persists. It seems like so much in my life that I've tried to do has ended that way.

In my mind, I know I'm not a failure. My heart has a difficult time believing that though.

Circumstances always change the road we are on. While I may trip and fall, I will pick myself and continue on.

And pray, that someday, the road I follow will lead to true peace, happiness and contentment with myself and the life I've built.

Love Lost

When I was in high school we dated. I don't remember for how long or even why we decided to split. I do know that he remained one my dearest friends and even though we lost touch and years passed before we saw each other again, we were still very close.

Whenever I needed someone, he was there for me and vice versa. Not long ago, we managed to reconnect online.

Last weekend, he showed up unexpectedly in Lewiston during Hot August Nights. Into the early hours of the morning we sat outside, talking, holding each other close.

Over the years I have often wondered what might have been had we stayed together. I loved him deeply then and find that I still do.

Fate has decreed that we live hundreds of miles apart.

And that's that.

Stormy Skies

Dark clouds on the horizon,

quivering with energy.

Humidity in the air,

pressure building.

Eager anticipation,

waiting for the storm.

Crackle of lightening,

boom of thunder,

cool rain on a warm summer night.

Bitter disappointment,

as the storm rolls past.

Wild at Heart

I am wild at heart,

full of passion,

desire,

Love.

Music in my wounded soul,

yearning to be free,

to dance in the summer rains.

On wings of hope and faith,

I soar above the mountains,

wild and free.

I am wild at heart,

full of joy,

laughter,

Love.

Healing for my wounded soul,

surrounded by so much love,

the music plays on.

Wings of love and hope,

flying through life,

reveling in freedom.

I am wild at heart,

wild and free,

living life,

passionately,

joyfully.

Home is where the Heart is...

It amazes me sometimes the amount of changes I've gone through in my life.

I took a leap of faith and moved 300 miles away from the home I knew and grew up in. What a life changing experience! I was miserable for a while after I moved, but blessed with a loving family who were only too happy to have me close by.

I felt so lost some days. Boise is a big city compared to Lewiston and let's face it, I'm a small town girl at heart. I learned to adapt and closed off the part of my life and heart reserved for Lewiston. I moved on with life and learned to live in a big city. I fell in love, married and gave birth to a wonderful little boy, who is the light of my life.

Time passed and I began to feel a lacking in my life. My marriage failed and after two years can finally say "hey, it wasn't all my fault. We both failed. A lesson to be learned it's time to move on."

I became a single mom, working full time for the State and selling Avon on the side. So upside down in my mortgage it's scary. I worked hard. I spent time with friends and family. But still, felt like something was missing, that I was lacking something vital in my life. I thought perhaps it was just the loneliness of being single.

I drove to Lewiston in May to attend a very dear friend's wedding. It was strange driving through a town that was different and yet still the same town I remembered growing up in. I loved spending time with longtime friends I hadn't seen in years.

In July, I drove to Lewiston again. This trip was bittersweet in that it was to say goodbye to a loved one who had passed suddenly. However, I was able to stay longer for this trip. Made some new memories and shared a lot of old ones. It was hard to leave Monday for the long drive home. Part of me wanted to stay longer, but work and mommyhood waits for no one. And most surprising, the lacking I had felt before, was gone.

I've spent some time thinking and making decisions for my future and for my son's future. I plan to go back to college. CWI offers a 2 year degree for web design, something I think I would be suited to. My mortgage no longer scares me as I have researched my options. When it becomes too much of a burden, I know what to do. I hate to rent again, but in the long run it will be worth it.

Today at lunch with a friend, I started talking about Lewiston and how I was hoping to make it up for Hot August Nights. He asked if I missed my peeps up there and it hit me. I didn't just miss my pack family, I missed the town. I want to watch a sunset on the confluence again, revel in the lights reflecting on the Snake and Clearwater at night. I want to watch the thunderstorms and dance in the summer rains.

Moving to Boise was good for me at the time. I needed to get away in order to grow, to find myself and see a bit more of the world. But now that I have, the call of home pulls me, drawing me back. I have to wonder how many more visits it will take before I can resist the call no longer and move back home. Not that it would be so easy. I have my Son to consider and custody arrangements with his Dad.

First though, I think I'll go to college. Once I've got my degree, we'll see where the road takes me. And that's what life is really about isn't it? Walking the road of life, taking a leap of faith and walking the road less travelled. Maybe it's time for another leap.

Wild Things

I am a wild thing...hidden deep behind this mask I have worn for years...

For most of my life I have suffered from extreme shyness and low self esteem. If you were to meet me back in High School, chances were you would only get one or two words out of me. Now, well, I actually can hide the shyness. There's not too many people here who realize just how terribly shy I am.

As for the low self-esteem, well, that is still buried deep in my heart. Some days are better than others, but in the long run, it doesn't take much to send me spiraling into a pit of despair and self loathing. I spent a lot of the first year of my divorce in that pit. Now I find myself slowly climbing out.

This last weekend, I learned a lot about myself. First, I never, ever should drink when I'm angry, hurting and upset. That lesson will stick with me for a long time. Alcohol is not the answer and while it may numb the pain for a while, it always comes back.

Second, I am not fully healed from my divorce. My Gnome helped me realize that. I'm not sure what I need to do to heal, but I will, someday. I will wait patiently for that day when I can love myself again and not despair over failing in my marriage. She also kindly pointed out, that I really am too hard on myself.

Third, I am a wild thing and there is nothing in this world that can hold me back from what I want. Thank you My Dragon for that. I hope you know how much your words meant to me and how badly I needed to hear them.

So who am I? I have struggled long with this. This is a start:

I am the good Catholic girl.

I am a little bit country

I am a little bit city

I am a wild thing, full of passions, desires, needs, wants, and Love.

I am a part of the Pack

I am my mother's daughter

I am a mother to my son

I am not perfect and it's taken me long enough to accept that

I am a friend to many

I am loved by many

I love...

I am me...and for once in my life, I am happy with me.

Relationships

I think what I miss the most of being in a relationship is the romance.

I miss the uncertainty of two people learning about each other...their passions, their heart and soul.

I miss holding hands.

I miss arms holding me tight, saying everything is going to be all right.

I miss snuggling up to watch a movie.

I miss the shy kisses.

I miss romantic dinners by candlelight.

I miss dressing up in a new outfit, just to see how he reacts.

I miss sharing special occasions.

I miss having someone ask me "How was your day?"

I don't miss the marriage. And more surprising, I don't miss him.

I miss feeling a love so deep in my heart it makes me want to cry with happiness.

I miss the romance.

Love is...

Love Is...

Love is the first time you meet his eyes

and feel something special in your heart.

Love is the way your heart skips a beat

when you realize he's holding a small box.

Love is the overwhelming joy in your heart and soul

standing before family, friends and God to say "I do".

Love is the first cry of your child

and holding him the first time.

Love is watching your son grow

walking, talking and learning.

Love is when your world crashes

and she is there with a shoulder for tears.

Love is sitting in the court room

holding your Mom's hand.

Love is driving 300 miles

for a special friends wedding.

Love is being surrounded

by friends from all walks of life, loving unconditionally.

Love is puppy kisses

and snuggling together in the cold tent.

Love is kindness, hope, and joy.

Love is filling, surrounding, and everywhere

if you know how to see.

Sorrow

Tonight I received the terrible news.

He was my little brother in everything but blood. We grew up together. His Mom took me in as one of her own when I so desperately needed a haven.

He was a kind, gentle soul. His love knew no bounds for his family and friends. He was the one who would willingly give you the shirt off his back and last dollar.

I am grateful that we were able to spend some time together last month. I am grieved that I will no longer hear his laugh, see his smile, or receive another bear hug from him.

Billy was epileptic and not once in his life did he let that slow him down. Last night, he had a seizure, hit his head on the table, and died instantly.

My heart aches, I sorrow at the loss of such a kind and loving man. I miss my friend, my little brother.

I hope you finally found some peace Bill. Spread your wings and fly little brother.

Rest in Peace

William "Billy" Myrick

January 11,1978 to July 9, 2010

Dreams

Well I've had dreams enough for one
And I've got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

Where is this place that we have found
Nobody knows where we are bound
I long to hear, I need to see
Cos I've shed tears too many for me

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

On the wind soaring free
Spread your wings
I'm beginning to see
Out of mind far from view
Beyond the reach of a nightmare come true

Well I've had dreams enough for one
And I got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...
Someway...

"New Horizons"

~Moody Blues~

How can life compare to the dreams that haunt me at night? Some mornings, I wake up, and cry. Reality sets in and it's nothing to my dreams. It hurts some days to face the reality of my life.

And that bothers me...

My life is not bad. It's not horrible. I have the love of Family and Friends. I have a home, food on my table, a few "toys", a car, a job. It's more than some people have. And yet...

I don't have my dreams.

In school, I wrote. Poetry, short stories...I was even considered good at it. I was moved into an accelerated english class for two years. I felt a muse, working in my soul. I wanted to create. I tried art class in High School, and no matter how hard I worked, I barely passed. So, I decided, art was not the muse calling me and turned back to the poetry that welled deep in my soul.

I wrote all through High School and the few months of College. I continued to write as I left the life and home I had known for 19 years and moved to Boise. And then somewhere, sometime along the way, the words no longer flowed. My muse abandoned me and my soul felt empty.

I used to carry a notebook and pen with me everywhere, so I could write anytime the muse called. And then, somewhere, sometime, the notebook and pen became a burden that was never used and so, left behind at home.

And then I stopped writing all together.

When I started gaming and running games for my friends, I wrote stories. Stories that captivated my friends and brought them back to my game table time and time again. Suddenly, my muse returned, words flowed from the depths of my soul, and I told stories.

Then, they too disappeared.

I struggle to this day to write and prepare for my biweekly D&D game. The story I started with, slithered from my grasp.

I miss the poetry. The grace and flow of the words from my soul to the paper, written by hand, painstakingly copied again and again, until the whole piece felt complete and right.

"I have dreams enough for one"

Where did all my dreams go? I used to dream of being a Forest Ranger, living in the mountains I love.

I used to dream of owning a bookstore, surrounded by beloved words.

I used to dream of many things...instead I find myself struggling to stay in a positive frame of mind, struggling to pay my bills, struggling to be a good mother for my son, struggling to figure who I am.

So now, instead of holding onto my dreams, I hold onto hope. Hope, that I will find my place in life and maybe find some peace from the dreams at night that make life feel like a nightmare.

Things I'd Do When I Become the Evil Overlord

I'm in the mood to post, but the thoughts in my head are not floating clearly...so instead I give you this....

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en-masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

I wish I knew who to credit this to...seems like I've had it forever.

Enjoy!

The Road Trip

So, a month ago I received an invitation in the mail for my best friend and adopted sister. See, we went to High School together and pretty much spent the last two years of school running around with each other. Now, the last time I had seen everyone was 10 years ago, for Adam's funeral.

I am sad to say, that at first I seriously thought about not going. It would be so easy to make an excuse, find a reason to say no. I was scared, nervous, and uncertain. I wanted to be there for her special day...but at the same time, so many people to face, to explain why I never moved home, why I lost contact for so long...

I began making plans...a place to stay while in Lewiston, arrangements for my Son, someone to watch Sadie pup. But really, my feet dragged, my heart felt heavy at the thought of driving to the place I once called home.

I went through my hope chest one night, looking for some bits of my old poetry, thinking I'd update my blog with some old poems. What I really found were memories, pictures, stories, warmth and friendship...so many things forgotten with the new life I'd built 300 miles away.

That changed my whole perspective on the trip. I began looking forward to the drive north...I couldn't wait to see Taz, Mudpup, Gnome and everyone else.

What a joyous feeling to be reunited with my Pack Family! The love, friendship, the hugs, caring and fierce protectiveness over each other. So many happy memories, tinged with sorrow for the few not able to make it. I felt better about myself and the world around me than I had in a very long time. We laughed about old times, cried our hurt on each others shoulders, and reveled in being together again.

The wedding was beautiful, the reception nice, the party at the Alibi was a blast! I do feel a bit guilty that my ex felt he had to leave when I got to the Alibi. I was only avoiding him at the wedding because, well, if he tried to talk to me there I'm sure we would have had words, and not kind ones, which did not need to happen at the wedding. Oh well...

So, all in all...it was a great trip! And needed too...as I left Saturday afternoon to meet up with my family and little boy, I was already looking forward to the next time I could drive up for a visit...and hopefully soon. At, least sooner than 10 years...

Memories and ghosts of the past

Ten years ago today, one my dearest friends was taken from the world. He was far too young, being only one year younger than me. His death was painful, shot by a man he called friend. A stupid argument turned deadly for Adam and his girlfriend.

I remember the long drive to Lewiston to attend his funeral. I remember the many tears, hugs and love, shared between us, his family and friends. I remember the heartbreak as I realized there would be no more hugs, no more "Hey Darlin'" in his unmistakeable voice. I remember thinking of all the things left unsaid between us, that it was now too late to share.

Now all I have are the memories of our time together, ghosts from the past that haunt me to this day. I am blessed for having Adam in my life, for sharing a deep, loving friendship with him. He may have been younger than I, but he will always be my big brother. I know he is still with me, in my heart and in my memories, but sometimes, I swear, I can still feel his tender embrace, his loving arms holding me when I need it most.

Wind to thy wings ashke

In loving memory

Adam Austin Martensen Berglund

June 17, 1977 - May 16, 2000

Things I've Learned...

Over the course of the last year and a half, I've learned a few things about myself and about being a single Mom.

Make a list: I never realized how easy it is to forget. I used to make a mental list of what was needed from the grocery store. No longer...if I don't have a list in hand, I will forget at least three things I need at home. Last time it was 9-volt batteries. The batteries are low in the smoke detectors and now it sounds like there are a family of crickets in the house.

Keep a calendar: Doesn't matter if it's online, in your phone, or a pocket calendar. It is handy to write down due dates for bills, when my Avon orders are due, and the various school functions for my Son. I almost forgot about class pictures tomorrow, until my Son reminded me. Sadly, the calendar I bought at New Year's didn't quite work out like I'd hoped. Fortunately, I had another that I'm going to try and use.

Pay attention to your Finances: I make it a habit to balance my checkbook online every day. What a lifesaver that has been. A couple of times, I have made a debit card purchase and forgot to either write it down or put the receipt in the check register to write down later. By balancing every day I've saved myself from overdraft a couple of times. It also helps me plan for those few times where there is a little something extra and I can treat my Son and I to dinner, or ice cream or buying a new movie/game.

Set aside time for your Family: After the divorce, it took me some time to learn how to balance working full time, being a Mom full time, and making sure everything was taken care of (bills, laundry, groceries, etc). I eventually realized that I wasn't really spending anytime with my Son. We would eat dinner together. He would play while I cleaned the kitchen, house or worked on laundry. Then at bedtime, I would read him a book. Not much time for just us to play or relax together. I do my best to make sure I play with him in the evenings, even if it only for 10-15 minutes. I sit down with him whenever he has homework, instead of trying to multi-task. Sunday afternoons when we get home from Church and my Parents house, we snuggle on the couch and watch a movie together. That is OUR time together. Saturdays vary, although if it is our weekend together, I try to include something fun for my Son during the day.

Set aside time for yourself: Boy if there was a toughie for me to learn, it was this one. I all too often would only focus on my Son, the house or a million and one tasks that needed to be done. Now, I set aside time for myself every day. Whether it's nothing more than reading for an hour after my Son's in bed, chatting online, or when it's his weekend at Dad's, I go out to a friends house.

I should have finished this and posted it last week, but just never got back to it...well, at least it's done now!

Patience, Faith and Love

Patience...
My Dad has never been known for his patience. As I grew older, I soon learned that my patience was on the same level as his. I was quick to anger, would blow my top, then walk away. I was slow to forgive, and I NEVER forgot.

I'm not sure exactly when this changed for me. But as I grew older, I became more patient, more forgiving and it takes a lot to get me angry enough to lose my temper.

I now find myself striving more to keep my patience. With my Son and most especially with my Ex. Although, I may struggle sometimes with my son, I'm getting better with him. I can only hope that as he grows older, he will understand that I did the best I could. I have so far managed to keep my patience with my Ex. There are too many things I could say that would hurt him, and I know that he is already hurting. I wish he could realize many things and find the path to moving on with his life.

(If you have a problem with religion skip the next part...)

Faith...
When I was younger, I struggled mightily with my faith. My Dad was raised very strict Catholic. My Mom joined the Catholic church later in life. Her attitude is little more relaxed than Dad's, but she is very strong in her faith. I think I rebelled so much because I was made to go every Sunday and didn't really understand why.

I actually left the church for several years. I was angry at the Church, and had taken many issues with "organized religion". When I found my way back to the Church, it was through many hours of deep contemplation and guidance from my Mom. Thank you for that Mom.

As I've traveled down the path of divorce, I have found myself taking great strength from my faith. I'm learning more about myself and the depth of passion I have for God. When I feel weak, I close my eyes and give all my worries, fears, and concerns to God. It surprised me how much it helps to do that.

I have to honestly say, I had never really felt "the hand of God" in my heart and soul. One reason why I couldn't understand going every Sunday and having such passion for God as I had seen so many others have, that is until a couple of weeks ago.

I knelt there praying, waiting for mass to begin. I had been struggling again, feeling unable to cope with my hurts. I prayed, I opened my heart, I asked for the strength to continue and suddenly I felt Him. My heart felt lighter, the burden was still there, but perhaps not as heavy as it had been. Tears came to my eyes as for the first in my 33 years, I Felt Him and His Love for me.

What a powerful feeling...even now I am still awed by the feeling.

Love...
The greatest gift in this world is Love. I am constantly amazed by the Love I see in those around me. When I feel at my lowest, and that I couldn't possible go on, something reminds me that I am surrounded by Love. The reminders come from not only the family I was born into, but the family of friends who have chosen to be in my life. Sometimes it's as simple as a message on Facebook, a phone call or a forwarded e-mail. It's those precious moments when my Son tells me he loves me and asks for a hug. I am fortunate to have so much Love in my life.

It's easy sometimes to forget the love of family and friends when my heart aches. I often find myself jealous of those around me. They have found the love of a true partner and best friend in their significant other. Me? I couldn't hold my marriage together. Looking back, I have discovered that it really wasn't that healthy of a relationship. I am moving on, looking towards the future, even if it is a future that sometimes looks bleak. I often ask myself, why? Why is it the one guy I felt interest in, disappeared when he found out I had a son? Why is it a very good, married friend thought there something more than friendship there and destroyed the friendship by acting on those thoughts? Why is it, the only guy who wants to date me and be a part of my life is the Ex?

I've been divorced for one year and three months. I journey along the path, stoically accepting the pot holes and bumps. I remind myself daily, that there is hope, but I must have patience, faith and love...and really, that's all that matters.

Faith and Love...

On bended knee
Oh God above,
with all my faith and love
I pray to thee...

Not to take this burden from me,
Nay Lord,
with all my faith and love
I pray to thee

Give me the strength
to carry mine own burden
Lend me the strength
to help carry her burden too

On bended knee
Oh God above
all my faith and love
I pray to thee

Let me light her way
through the darkness
as so often
she has done for me

On bended knee
Oh God above
my faith and love
I pray to thee

...it's been too long since I've felt the muse of poetry...there's more here..but I just can't get it out yet...sigh

Maybe later I can refine and finish...

Hurt...

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog, but at the same time, with the Holidays and being sick for most of the last month, I just haven't felt like writing...it's been bugging me though, so here's a new entry...

I am a huge fan of Johnny Cash. I love his music...really it's hard to put into words how his music can move me...

Every time I listen to "Hurt", his last song, it moves me to tears. I think mostly because it hits so close to how I feel anymore.

My Son has taken to calling me bad mommy when he gets into trouble or doesn't get what he wants. No matter how many times he's called me that and even though I know he doesn't really mean it, Oh God, it hurts. I've never given in to him when uses that, but still...

I'm exhausted...emotionally, mentally and every way in between. It just seems that every time there's something positive to look forward to, there's two things going wrong. It's never anything major...just little things to remind me that financially, at any time, I will lose my house, my Home. It terrifies me that I have NOTHING in savings. All these little things going wrong are adding up and dammit before too long I will not be able to keep up. Then what? I have to find a new home for my Son's dog and my cat. Try to find an apartment close by that will allow my Son to continue at his school (he loves it so!).

Pride is a terrible thing when it keeps you from asking for help when you need it most. I've swallowed my pride often enough...I just can't seem to this time. I'm mortally tired of not being able to stand on my own two feet, of always needing help. I feel so weak anymore...

A couple of weeks ago, I left my bowling bag at home and had to rent shoes. They weren't my size exactly (it's hard to find 8 1/2 wide shoes). They were big and hard to bowl in.

My life feels like rental shoes, it just doesn't fit right. My Single Mom shoes are a little big, leaving room to grow...that's to be expected, I know they will probably never be a perfect fit until he's grown and can fully understand everything I've done (will do) for him. I stumble and fall a lot though. Each time is a learning experience but the scrapes and bruises still hurt.

My Daughter/Sister/Niece/overall family shoes feel like they fit...for years they felt tight and restricted but as I've grown older and hopefully wiser, they feel better now.

My Friend shoes are comfortable...worn and scuffed in places, but held together with duct tape of love. Hmm...that sounded better in my head than it does on paper...

There are times though, when my shoes feel too big for me and I just don't fit in with my life... all I can do is tie the laces a little tighter and go forward with faith and love that someday they will fit.

Don't even get me started on using a bowling ball besides my own...

And now my kind readers, my tears have dried, and with Johnny ringing in my head, it's off to bed and sleep for me...at least in sleep I can find a tiny bit of peace...