Prepare ye the way...

I love Christmas...the memories of the past, the hope for the future. Even more, I love Advent. The four weeks Catholics spend preparing for the birth of Jesus.

Now, if my above comment regarding my religion offends you in any way, please run along. After many years away from the Church, I have found just what it means to me and I am not ashamed of it. I am also not ashamed to admit, I don't believe in one, true religion. It's having faith that's important, not the deity you worship...but that's a topic for another day. If my religion does not offend, please read on...

Advent for me means much more than just the days leading up to Christmas. There is more joy in the congregation each Sunday. There is something special about lighting the advent candles, hearing the story of Elizabeth and the birth of John the Baptist. Listening to the words of the Angel to Mary...the trials her and Joseph went through...the music seems more magical...

It is the music more than anything. Some of you may not know, but I went to a Catholic School from 1st to 6th grade. I resented this for a lot of years unbeknown to my folks. I know they meant well but really, it left me sadly lacking in social skills needed for public school. On the other hand though, I have some fantastic memories of Saint Stanislaus. The best one however is celebrating Advent. Every morning before school began, we all (the WHOLE school) would gather in the foyer, light the advent candle(s) and sing "O Come O Come Emmanuel". If you don't know the song, ask me, I'll sing (butcher...I have a terrible voice) it for you. Even now, all these years later, the song STILL gives me goosebumps. It is my favorite Christmas Carol even though you'll never hear it on the radio...

When I left the Church after High School, sure, I don't think I realized how much I would miss it, then my Son was born. It was decided he would be raised as Catholic and I went back to Church. My Mom helped me with that. I explained to her why I left and didn't really go back. (There were a lot of politics and crap involved). We don't go to Church just to go to Church, Mom said, but to celebrate life, love and everything God has given us. 5 years and one divorce later, I have found the depth of my faith.

Last Sunday, as Father Len's homily sunk in, I realized that I have not been preparing the way for Jesus and God to be in my heart and my life. I have struggled to cope with the divorce, being a good mother to my Son, a good daughter, sister, friend, co-worker , etc. I had forgotten what Advent meant to me.

Anyways, back to the homily. Father Len spoke of a woman he knew who was full of joy and celebrated everyday of her life. I wish I could convey the depth of his story. No matter what happened, she had joy.

This got me to thinking...surely I have plenty of joy in my life. Why was I sinking deeper into depression? Why was I struggling to maintain personal relationships with family and friends? I had lost the joy...lost my faith...

So, when the road looks dark, I look a little harder for the joy. This morning I had a mishap with some chocolate covered pretzels and deviled eggs I had made for work. I sat down in the office and cried...slipping into the darkness...and then, I realized it really wasn't that big of a disaster. I had time to run the store...buy something to replace what had been lost.

Everytime my Son and I fight, or I find myself frustrated with him...I look for the joy we share. Last Saturday, I carried him from G's house to the car, he woke long enough to tell me the snow banks were beautiful...He also tells me that I am in his Heart when we are apart. There is a lot of joy between us and I refuse to lose it again.

It's difficult, but as this has been my first week rediscovering the joy in life, I think I'm improving. I am trying to focus my energy on the positive, the joys, the love that is already in my life...not what I have lost, how much each day seems to be a struggle, and so on.

There's more I would like to say, but the words elude me...plus I am VERY tired. I've been running all day on 5 hours sleep...

I wish you all Joy in your lives...may it light the road on your journey called life...if you lose it, well, call me and we'll find it together...

Signposts on the road

So, I've hit a milestone...on December 9th, 2008, I sat in a court room and petitioned for a divorce. Irreconcilable differences I said. No, I told the judge, I don't want this, I wanted to go to counseling, try to repair the hurt between us. He wasn't willing...didn't want to try anymore. He had given up on us...

Six months later, he changes his mind...begs me back, professes undying love, and so on...

I started having panic attacks...terrified to go home...petrified of being around him...I felt broken...so I went to counseling.

In September he finally moved out. And now, every time I drop off and pick up our son from his place, I get sad, little puppy eyes. How are you doing, he asks? Is everything ok? Yes, everything is fine...I'm ok. Just tired...worn out...heart weary...sick of living paycheck to paycheck...wondering when the next child support payment will arrive...

Last week, he told me he was taking our son to Given's Hot Springs next time around...and would I like to go? (insert puppy eyes). No, I can't, I say...too much to do...can't get off work and all that...

One whole f*&%$ing year...and what has really changed? Nothing really, except he's changed his mind...I'm still heart weary...tired...lonely...helpless...worthless...broken inside.

Thank God for my Family and Friends...they are the lightposts on the path in my dark journey. I never would have survived this long...

And so the journey of life continues...

Free my soul...

"Give me the beat boys and free my soul...I wanna get lost in that Rock 'n' Roll..."

That was playing on the radio on my way home from Buffy night tonight...that's something I haven't done in a while. I used pick out a CD, plug in the headphones, lay down and just lose myself in the music.

I feel off kilter...like I'm careening too fast around the corner on highway 55 and am heading for the river. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. I love my Son, take care of him, play with him, teach him and so on. I spend time with Harlequinn the grumpy cat and Sadie the playful puppy. I make sure my Son feeds his fish. I keep the house clean, prepare meals, do the shopping, pay the bills. I go to work Monday through Friday and Church on Sunday. I spend time with Friends and Family, laughing, joking and relaxing. So why does it feel like something is missing? Isn't this what life is about? What exactly am I missing?

Maybe it's time I plug the headphones into the stereo and lose myself in the music again...just drift away...would that help? Is that what my weary soul, aching heart needs?

My Son is my life...I will do whatever it takes to keep him happy, healthy and all the good stuff that goes with raising a child. But honestly, is that all there is for me? Now I feel selfish...only thinking of myself and how lonely I am...how empty I feel. Have you ever been surrounded by loved ones, family and dear friends and still felt all alone? Seriously, what is wrong with me?

Ok well, now I'm just rambling...time to get ready for bed and the take the pup out one more time tonight...

Sigh

Another long day is almost at an end...

This was our first bowling night with Sadie...poor pup. I let her out to play and run around before we left, but it was only for 1/2 hour. Instead of putting her in the crate, I put her in my bathroom, hoping that having room to play in would help. Alas, she left some pretty good sized gouges from teeth and claws on the door jam...guess I'll have to figure something else out...I'm worried that adopting her was a bad idea...and yet, I love her so much. She is a wonderful companion on those nights that my Son is with his Dad. I worry though, that she's getting enough attention, play time, and proper training.

I'm feeling kind of lonely tonight...tired of dreaming of someone who is not in my life...and knowing my luck, never will be. I have to admit that he is just a dream...and really, I don't want to. I want to find the kind of happiness that my friends and family have found. A partner, a companion, a beloved, and much more...it's not gonna happen and I have to be ok with that. I need to be strong for my Son, for my family and friends...

Sigh...time to shower and crawl into bed...part of me hopes for the dreams where he is there...wrapping me in his arms, surrounding my tired soul, weary heart with his unconditional love. Sometimes during the day, I can almost feel his arms, feel his breath on my neck...sometimes I even think I hear his voice...then I remember, he is a dream...
Maybe I should pray I don't dream tonight...but then again...at least in my dreams of him, I can at least snatch a tiny bit of love, comfort and so much more....

A day...

Here's a typical day for me...

Up between 5:30 and 6:00 - take the puppy out for her first potty break of the day
feed the pup
6:00 to 6:30 get dressed for work...try to wake up the boy and get him dressed
6:30 to 7:00 finish getting ready for work (makeup, hair, pack my lunch), finish getting the boy ready for school (socks, shoes, brush the teeth, backpack ready, snack)
7:00 out the door...drop the boy off at daycare
7:45 arrive at work...
8:00 to 5:00 pm work, work work!
5:30 pick the boy up from daycare
5:45 home...take the puppy for a walk
6:15 cook dinner, feed the puppy
6:45 clean up after dinner, take the puppy out
7:00 time with the boy and the puppy
7:30 fight with the boy to get into the shower and get ready for bed
8:00 get the boy into bed
9:00 to 9:30 boy finally goes to sleep...sigh
and then any other housework that needs to be done before bed

Sigh...long, long days...

Eep!

Guess I've been neglecting my blog again...just haven't felt like writing much.

The Ex has moved out and it's very nice to feel comfortable in my own home again. I still worry about my Son, but he seems to be adjusting well. I'm hoping that once the attorney is paid in full, to go back to court and change the Ex's visitation time. I think it would be nice for the boys if they had more time together.

I am now a dog owner. Sadie came home last Friday and seems to be settling in OK. She is a 2 month old border collie and is very smart. Already she's learned Sit and is working on Stay. She knows Crate, but ignores that command. Philip adores her! It is frustrating at times for me, but overall, I think it was the right decision to adopt her.

I volunteered to host Thanksgiving at my house this year. This has prompted me to work on cleaning the house from top to bottom. I will be responsible for the turkey, potatoes and gravy. Again, I sometimes worry that I made the right decision with this. Oh well...guess I'll find out on Thanksgiving!!

Nights are the hardest for me. I get so lonely after Philip goes to bed. Sadie helps, but she's not the same as a person to talk to. It helps sometimes having a roommate and T. is a great roommate. He loves Philip, plays with Sadie and is nice to chat with. He is a wonderful friend.

It would be nice to meet someone, even though I worry that I'm not ready to start dating again but at the same time, would very much like to be asked out...ah well. I understand that most of the time, dating is just not in the stars for single moms...I can only hope and pray that when the day comes and I am asked out, that I don't pass on what could be great opportunity because of fear...

Well, it's getting late and Sadie knows I'm still awake and REALLY would like out of the crate...time for me to shut down for the night so she will too.

Hrm

Well, on the drive home tonight from Buffy night, I thought I figured out what to write about...but now, I really don't feel like writing.

The biggest thing right now is my Ex is moving out this weekend. I've got a lot of conflicting emotions right now that I haven't figured out how to put it into words. I'm worried about our son, I feel bad for hurting him, even though he hurt me first. I'm angry, hurt and sometimes very bitter about the whole thing. Moving on should hopefully get easier once he's out of the house.

*sigh* It's late and I'm off to bed...another long day at work tomorrow and who knows what the weekend will bring??

Ah the sickness...

Well, I'm finally recovering from the head cold...I went to work on Monday, but really should have stayed home. Today, I slept most of the day and am finally feeling much better.

Unfortunately, since I've been sick, I really don't have much to say today. So I leave you with this short post as I wander in to shower and get ready for bed.

Erg...

I'm not posting anything new tonight...a head cold snuck up on me today and I am going to bed....

TGIF!

Happy Friday!

Just another standard Friday, except the Ex had a game tonight and wasn't home tonight...woohoo! It was kinda nice to have the house to myself...until I heard the Police pounding on the door at the neighbor's house. Erg...2 police cars in front and 4 down the street. As much as I enjoy sitting on the front porch swing, I decided that outside was not the place to be. All is quiet now, with no sign of what happened. *shrug*

That's it for now...not much to say tonight. I'll be up early tomorrow to clean house and run to the store before my Pampered Chef party. After that, who knows? It's normally a Star Wars night for me, but G. hasn't been up to running it lately with his new store opening and everything.

Night all!

Memories

Just a short post for now...it is almost midnight and I have work in the morning...

On my way to Buffy night, I could smell wood smoke in the air. Boy, the memories that brought out. Growing up in Lewiston, we used to have a wood stove and my Mom could really get a fire going. I could smell the wood smoke and it was almost as if I was back in Lewiston, stepping out onto the porch on a cold winter night, headed out to see my friends. Or a lazy, coldSunday afternoon, curled up in front of the fireplace with a book, wearing shorts and a t-shirt (like I said, Mom builds a kick a$$ fire!).

All this, from the chill fall Boise air and a faint sent of wood smoke. I really miss that wood stove...helping Dad to stack and store the wood every fall.

Fall weather itself brings all kinds of childhood memories out...chill mornings walking to the bus stop, the smell of leaves, frost, and wood smoke...the excitement of a new year at school...seeing old friends and making new ones.

Now, I'm helping my Son create his own childhood memories. Annual trips to the pumpkin patch and so on...I worry sometimes that he will grow up angry and bitter about the Divorce, I hope and pray that someday he will understand that even though we no longer love each other, that no matter what we will always Love him.

And so, I'm done writing for today.

Guilt and Stuff

So, it's been 4 months since I started my blog and look, I'm a bad monkey for not posting anything. /sigh
I decided that today would be the end of the neglect. Even if I'm the only who ever reads this, I am darn well going to start blogging more...whether it's just adding in a few random thoughts for the day, pictures, or a deep down pouring of the heart, doesn't matter, I will sit down every night before bed and type.

I'm cooking dinner right now and after that, it'll be time to get the boy ready for bed. It's Thursday, and in my world that means Buffy night at H's house. I will type more tonight when I get home.

The Beginning

So here I am with a blog. It's the new "in" thing I guess...heh..not that I'm anywhere near to being in the "in" crowd.

I am recently divorced and learning how to be a single mom. I have many great friends and a wonderful family to support me along the way. This blog will be my way to share what I'm learning, my frustrations, and well, the story of learning to be a single mom and self sufficient.

That's it for now. I'm sure I'll have more to write later. :-)