"Give me the beat boys and free my soul...I wanna get lost in that Rock 'n' Roll..."
That was playing on the radio on my way home from Buffy night tonight...that's something I haven't done in a while. I used pick out a CD, plug in the headphones, lay down and just lose myself in the music.
I feel off kilter...like I'm careening too fast around the corner on highway 55 and am heading for the river. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. I love my Son, take care of him, play with him, teach him and so on. I spend time with Harlequinn the grumpy cat and Sadie the playful puppy. I make sure my Son feeds his fish. I keep the house clean, prepare meals, do the shopping, pay the bills. I go to work Monday through Friday and Church on Sunday. I spend time with Friends and Family, laughing, joking and relaxing. So why does it feel like something is missing? Isn't this what life is about? What exactly am I missing?
Maybe it's time I plug the headphones into the stereo and lose myself in the music again...just drift away...would that help? Is that what my weary soul, aching heart needs?
My Son is my life...I will do whatever it takes to keep him happy, healthy and all the good stuff that goes with raising a child. But honestly, is that all there is for me? Now I feel selfish...only thinking of myself and how lonely I am...how empty I feel. Have you ever been surrounded by loved ones, family and dear friends and still felt all alone? Seriously, what is wrong with me?
Ok well, now I'm just rambling...time to get ready for bed and the take the pup out one more time tonight...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Sigh
Another long day is almost at an end...
This was our first bowling night with Sadie...poor pup. I let her out to play and run around before we left, but it was only for 1/2 hour. Instead of putting her in the crate, I put her in my bathroom, hoping that having room to play in would help. Alas, she left some pretty good sized gouges from teeth and claws on the door jam...guess I'll have to figure something else out...I'm worried that adopting her was a bad idea...and yet, I love her so much. She is a wonderful companion on those nights that my Son is with his Dad. I worry though, that she's getting enough attention, play time, and proper training.
I'm feeling kind of lonely tonight...tired of dreaming of someone who is not in my life...and knowing my luck, never will be. I have to admit that he is just a dream...and really, I don't want to. I want to find the kind of happiness that my friends and family have found. A partner, a companion, a beloved, and much more...it's not gonna happen and I have to be ok with that. I need to be strong for my Son, for my family and friends...
Sigh...time to shower and crawl into bed...part of me hopes for the dreams where he is there...wrapping me in his arms, surrounding my tired soul, weary heart with his unconditional love. Sometimes during the day, I can almost feel his arms, feel his breath on my neck...sometimes I even think I hear his voice...then I remember, he is a dream...
Maybe I should pray I don't dream tonight...but then again...at least in my dreams of him, I can at least snatch a tiny bit of love, comfort and so much more....
This was our first bowling night with Sadie...poor pup. I let her out to play and run around before we left, but it was only for 1/2 hour. Instead of putting her in the crate, I put her in my bathroom, hoping that having room to play in would help. Alas, she left some pretty good sized gouges from teeth and claws on the door jam...guess I'll have to figure something else out...I'm worried that adopting her was a bad idea...and yet, I love her so much. She is a wonderful companion on those nights that my Son is with his Dad. I worry though, that she's getting enough attention, play time, and proper training.
I'm feeling kind of lonely tonight...tired of dreaming of someone who is not in my life...and knowing my luck, never will be. I have to admit that he is just a dream...and really, I don't want to. I want to find the kind of happiness that my friends and family have found. A partner, a companion, a beloved, and much more...it's not gonna happen and I have to be ok with that. I need to be strong for my Son, for my family and friends...
Sigh...time to shower and crawl into bed...part of me hopes for the dreams where he is there...wrapping me in his arms, surrounding my tired soul, weary heart with his unconditional love. Sometimes during the day, I can almost feel his arms, feel his breath on my neck...sometimes I even think I hear his voice...then I remember, he is a dream...
Maybe I should pray I don't dream tonight...but then again...at least in my dreams of him, I can at least snatch a tiny bit of love, comfort and so much more....
Monday, November 16, 2009
A day...
Here's a typical day for me...
Up between 5:30 and 6:00 - take the puppy out for her first potty break of the day
feed the pup
6:00 to 6:30 get dressed for work...try to wake up the boy and get him dressed
6:30 to 7:00 finish getting ready for work (makeup, hair, pack my lunch), finish getting the boy ready for school (socks, shoes, brush the teeth, backpack ready, snack)
7:00 out the door...drop the boy off at daycare
7:45 arrive at work...
8:00 to 5:00 pm work, work work!
5:30 pick the boy up from daycare
5:45 home...take the puppy for a walk
6:15 cook dinner, feed the puppy
6:45 clean up after dinner, take the puppy out
7:00 time with the boy and the puppy
7:30 fight with the boy to get into the shower and get ready for bed
8:00 get the boy into bed
9:00 to 9:30 boy finally goes to sleep...sigh
and then any other housework that needs to be done before bed
Sigh...long, long days...
Up between 5:30 and 6:00 - take the puppy out for her first potty break of the day
feed the pup
6:00 to 6:30 get dressed for work...try to wake up the boy and get him dressed
6:30 to 7:00 finish getting ready for work (makeup, hair, pack my lunch), finish getting the boy ready for school (socks, shoes, brush the teeth, backpack ready, snack)
7:00 out the door...drop the boy off at daycare
7:45 arrive at work...
8:00 to 5:00 pm work, work work!
5:30 pick the boy up from daycare
5:45 home...take the puppy for a walk
6:15 cook dinner, feed the puppy
6:45 clean up after dinner, take the puppy out
7:00 time with the boy and the puppy
7:30 fight with the boy to get into the shower and get ready for bed
8:00 get the boy into bed
9:00 to 9:30 boy finally goes to sleep...sigh
and then any other housework that needs to be done before bed
Sigh...long, long days...
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Eep!
Guess I've been neglecting my blog again...just haven't felt like writing much.
The Ex has moved out and it's very nice to feel comfortable in my own home again. I still worry about my Son, but he seems to be adjusting well. I'm hoping that once the attorney is paid in full, to go back to court and change the Ex's visitation time. I think it would be nice for the boys if they had more time together.
I am now a dog owner. Sadie came home last Friday and seems to be settling in OK. She is a 2 month old border collie and is very smart. Already she's learned Sit and is working on Stay. She knows Crate, but ignores that command. Philip adores her! It is frustrating at times for me, but overall, I think it was the right decision to adopt her.
I volunteered to host Thanksgiving at my house this year. This has prompted me to work on cleaning the house from top to bottom. I will be responsible for the turkey, potatoes and gravy. Again, I sometimes worry that I made the right decision with this. Oh well...guess I'll find out on Thanksgiving!!
Nights are the hardest for me. I get so lonely after Philip goes to bed. Sadie helps, but she's not the same as a person to talk to. It helps sometimes having a roommate and T. is a great roommate. He loves Philip, plays with Sadie and is nice to chat with. He is a wonderful friend.
It would be nice to meet someone, even though I worry that I'm not ready to start dating again but at the same time, would very much like to be asked out...ah well. I understand that most of the time, dating is just not in the stars for single moms...I can only hope and pray that when the day comes and I am asked out, that I don't pass on what could be great opportunity because of fear...
Well, it's getting late and Sadie knows I'm still awake and REALLY would like out of the crate...time for me to shut down for the night so she will too.
The Ex has moved out and it's very nice to feel comfortable in my own home again. I still worry about my Son, but he seems to be adjusting well. I'm hoping that once the attorney is paid in full, to go back to court and change the Ex's visitation time. I think it would be nice for the boys if they had more time together.
I am now a dog owner. Sadie came home last Friday and seems to be settling in OK. She is a 2 month old border collie and is very smart. Already she's learned Sit and is working on Stay. She knows Crate, but ignores that command. Philip adores her! It is frustrating at times for me, but overall, I think it was the right decision to adopt her.
I volunteered to host Thanksgiving at my house this year. This has prompted me to work on cleaning the house from top to bottom. I will be responsible for the turkey, potatoes and gravy. Again, I sometimes worry that I made the right decision with this. Oh well...guess I'll find out on Thanksgiving!!
Nights are the hardest for me. I get so lonely after Philip goes to bed. Sadie helps, but she's not the same as a person to talk to. It helps sometimes having a roommate and T. is a great roommate. He loves Philip, plays with Sadie and is nice to chat with. He is a wonderful friend.
It would be nice to meet someone, even though I worry that I'm not ready to start dating again but at the same time, would very much like to be asked out...ah well. I understand that most of the time, dating is just not in the stars for single moms...I can only hope and pray that when the day comes and I am asked out, that I don't pass on what could be great opportunity because of fear...
Well, it's getting late and Sadie knows I'm still awake and REALLY would like out of the crate...time for me to shut down for the night so she will too.
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