Lost in the dark

The last couple of weeks have been difficult and I often feel as if I am wandering, lost in the dark.

In one week, my world has dimmed.

I miss my heart sister. And even though I know she would not want me to grieve and sorrow as much as I am, I'm finding it difficult not to. She was my sister in everything but blood, my best friend, my angel and my light. I grieve for her family and friends to whom she meant so much to. What else can I do but to continue on with my daily life and try not to think too much of the pain in my heart? I hope she won't be too mad at me when we meet again further down the road.

I'm losing my house. The payments are just too much and I'm so very tired of struggling month to month to make ends meet. It hurts every time I have to tell my Son no when he asks if we can do this or that because I don't have the money. It bothers me that I cannot properly maintain my home and yard simply because paying the mortgage and bills leaves me with nothing.

I spoke with my mortgage company and there is nothing they can do to drop my mortgage payments. The options they gave me? One: get a roommate. Hmmm, well I have one of those and since my change in pay grade, it's just not enough anymore. Raising his rent is not an option. Two: Get a second job. I work full time (40 hours a week) and I'm a single mom. Really? You expect me to get another job, miss out on my son's life and spend half of the second check to pay for his care? Try again. Three: Short sell the house. Oh joy. Try to sell my poor, run down house in a neighborhood with half a dozen homes already in foreclosure or short sale. The kicker to a short sale? My ex would have to do everything with me. And our credit will be shot for 7 to 10 years. Even better was the last comment: "I'll understand if you decide to no longer make your payments, but realize it's going to affect your credit." What, like the short sale wouldn't? Come on people throw me a friggin bone here! I have busted my ass these last two and a half years to make my payments on time and in full. And when I come to you, asking for help to stay in my home, this is what I get???

I am hurting, sorrowing, grieving and very, very angry. There is no help for me and it frustrates the hell outta me. Tomorrow I will call the housing counselors that are offered free through my credit union and see what they have to say. I'm scared of what they'll have to say. I'm not sure if I want them to help me stay in my home or if it is really time to let it go, walk away from it all and start all over.

And just when I think my path is the darkest it's been, somehow, a beam of sunlight peaks through, to remind me of one very special angel watching over us all. Blindly I may walk this road, but I walk it holding tightly to the love of those in my life, my hope, my faith, and prayers that this is the road the Lord intended for me.

Sorrow and Peace

It's not really goodbye my friend, I will see you later

Fly on angel wings and be at peace, heart sister

Going Pink!

Well dear readers, as you may have noticed, my blog has turned pink! This is in honor of my bestest friend and heartsister, V.

She is a breast cancer survivor and this year will be our third year of participating in the Komen Race for the Cure.

Interested in walking with us or perhaps donating to our team? Our team name is Battling for Boobies and the website is www.komenboise.org. You can also find our team shirts with a very special logo at http://www.cafepress.com/gamergeekswp. Proceeds from the Cafe Press sales are split between the Komen Foundation and V's medical bills.

Questions? Just leave me a comment and I will get back to you!

Saint Valentine

Father Len tells the story better, but this is what I could remember:

Saint Valentine was a catholic/christian around 200 BC. He was arrested for being one. Now Valentine was an educated man and his jailer recognizing that asked Valentine to help teach his daughter Julia, who was blind.

Valentine not only helped Julia with her education, but he taught her about God and Jesus. Julia asked Valentine to pray to God and restore her eyesight. Valentine prayed and Julia received her miracle.

Saint Valentine was beheaded. His Jailer, Julia and their family converted to christianity. Julia buried Saint Valentine and planted an almond tree in his honor.

She wrote "Remember my Valentine, for he opened my eyes to love."

The colors for Saint Valentine's Day are red, for the blood he shed and pink for the almond tree flower blossom.

You are my Valentine, my dear friends and family, for you have opened my eyes to love.

Adventures in Motherhood

Sadie pup has this irritating habit of trying to eat my kitten, Fizgig. So, when it's time for my son to go to bed, she either goes outside or in her crate while I read to him.

It was snowing out last night, so I figured I would put her in the crate. My boy had closed my bedroom door. I tried to open the door, only to discover (to my dismay) it was locked. My boy, in his infinite mischievousness had locked and closed the door as he walked out. With a sigh, I let Sadie pup out, hoping she wouldn't get too wet and proceeded to get my boy into bed. We had a nice talk about locking doors, especially when there is no key for said door.

After my boy was safely tucked into bed, the work began on how to get my door open. I tried a screwdriver in the little hole on the knob to no avail. After much pondering and thought on my part (and yep, a little bit of panic) I decided the thing to do would be to remove the door knob. And voila! Instant open door, right? Um...yeah, not so much.

So I got the door knob off, pushed the inner knob out and began fussing and fighting with the inner latch trying to get my gosh darn door open! Finally, I gave in and asked my roomie for help. He was (thankfully) able to muscle the latch open and jump for joy! I could get into my room again!!

I picked up the other inner door knob and placed it on the kitchen table, thinking I would replace the whole darn thing tomorrow as it was getting on past my bedtime.

But wait! My story gets better!

This morning, we got ready for school and work as normal. Sadie pup goes outside while we get ready. As we prepare to leave, I put in her the crate, told her to be a good puppy and I'll see her tonight. Habit kicked in and I closed my bedroom door behind me. You see dear readers, Fizgig and Harlequin will tease Sadie pup in the day and sit right in front of the crate. Sadie pup of course goes nuts, barking and jumping and all sorts of stuff. Doesn't bother me of course, because I'm not home. My poor roomie however, who is home and sleeps during the day, well, it wakes him up. So, I close the door to keep the cats out.

As I closed the knob less door, it dawns on me, that without the door knob it will probably...oh...yep it did. It locked right back up!

Hmmm..this could present a problem if the roomie's not home tonight and I can't get the door open...yikes late for work!

Okay, well it wasn't quite the disaster it could have been. Since I had the inner knob with the lock on it, it was simple to just plug it into the door and voila! Open door.

Maybe I'll get around to reinstalling the door knobs tomorrow.

Letting Go of 2010

Happy New Year! 2011 has officially begun!!

As I watched the ball in Times Square drop, I wrote a list of all I wanted and needed to let go from 2010. When midnight hit, I stepped out back, lit some fireworks and burned my list.

Now, as I watch Star Trek and kick back in my warm fuzzy pants, I will write a list of all my hopes, dreams, and desires for the New Year. That list I will carry in my purse so that I can remind myself of all the possibilities a new year brings.

And so to you my dear readers, I wish you a New Year that brings what you deserve and your heart's desire.

Welcome 2011!

Pointless Ramblings

Time take this sadness from me, Time bring my heart back safely - December Snow, The Moody Blues

I meant to post around Thanksgiving about all the blessings in my life and what I'm thankful for. Time slipped away though and the words were said to the people in my life instead of a meaningless post on the internet that few, if any read...

I meant to post three weeks ago at the beginning of Advent. What a joyous time of year in the Catholic church. We prepare for the birth of Jesus and it's the beginning of the liturgical calendar. Time slipped away again as life caught up and the many preparations for the upcoming Holidays took over.

Tonight, I made the startling realization that it has been officially two years and one week since that painful day in the courtroom and the knowledge there was no turning back. The hurt has faded and the wounded heart is healing. The pain I thought would never go away is not what I remember those two years ago. Time will never completely take away the hurt, but as time marches on it fades with distance.

The house is empty tonight except for the animals and myself. The boy is off with his Dad and the roomie is at work for his 24 hour shift. It's not often I get the house to myself and instead of working on my to do list and Christmas projects, I curled up on the couch under my fuzzy blankie and read my book. I'll regret that decision tomorrow as I rush to get caught up, but at the moment, I don't care.

Driving home from reconciliation tonight, past failures and shortcomings blinded me. All the things I wish I could have done differently to spare this hurt or that screw up. I cried all the way home, the bright light of the future so far away. I have struggled these last two years, rebuilding my life for the sake of my boy. I try to be there for all my friends, for my family and especially my son. I feel like I'm floundering though, as if there is something I should be doing for myself. And I can't even figure out what that is.

I have failed my dearest friends by not being there when they need me. I have failed in my vows to God above for watching my marriage fade into divorce and not working harder to keep it together. I have failed my family for the times when I do not attend family gatherings simply because I am not in the mood to attend.

I am being selfish I know it. I have a home, a job, a car, my son, friends and family. And yet even with all this, I feel so lonely and empty. I'm tired of carrying the burden of it all alone. I'm sick of trying to pay bills/house payment with a paycheck that barely covers it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, laundry and grocery shopping. But at the end of the day, I would do it all again, for the hugs and "I love you's" from my son make it all worth it and will for the rest of my life.

Everything I do, is for my son. Without him I would be drifting aimless through life. I count my blessings everyday, I pray to God for those I love, to protect and surround them with His love. And yet, I want to be selfish and cry out in anger and hurt. I know it's pointless. However, a person can stay strong and positive for only so long.

So, tonight I allow myself a moment or two of weakness, tears and self-pity, before I crawl into bed, count my blessings, say my prayers and sleep. Tomorrow is another day.