Frustration Abounds (Beware ... Ranting ahead)

I don't even know where to start. It's the Christmas season ... and I'm not feeling it. No excitement, no magic, nothing. Just going through the motions for my boy, who as any 8 year old would be, is excited for the Holidays. Missing far too many people who are no longer here. The holiday season makes it worse. I've made peace with the whole being single thing, but sometimes, when surrounded by couples, the loneliness overwhelms. Fear and concern for a dear friend going through chemotherapy and recovering from a mastectomy. Trying to be strong for her and her wife, help them with the only thing I can, emotional support and love. My finances have gone down the tank. Just when I think I'm getting my head above water, another bill jumps out and screams "SURPRISE!" Most recently, I received a very nice letter from the PMI who holds the $12,000 promissory note I had to sign in order to short sell my home a year ago. They have told me that I obviously have the money and am simply refusing to pay them because 1. I haven't made a payment recently and 2. haven't contacted them (which I have) and that they are going to turn me over to an attorney. Hooray! The original deal we made was for me to call when I mailed a payment in. I haven't been able to mail a payment in, so I called (last month I believe), left a message explaining the whole scraping to make ends meet and never heard back. My bad to assume they got the message and understood that as soon I could scrape up the payment, I would call and mail it in. Grumble ... stupid, stupid me to even sign the damn thing in the first place. I was just so desperate to get rid of that damn house. Deep breath ... And so, I do the only thing I can ... swallow it all down, take it day by day, and pray for a miracle. I can do this. I really can. Deep breath ... Ok. Ranting over. Tomorrow is a new day and well, housework calls.

Falling Apart

Looking back over the Summer, it seemed that things were going so well. Renewed the lease on my awesome apartment. Fun summer outings with my boy. Afternoons at the pool with my boy and friends. Reconnecting with a longtime friend and old flame. Purchased a new car (well new to me anyways). Road trip to Reno to see my oldest Brother and his family, in my new car. A planned road trip up north to see my longtime friend. And then, slowly, everything started to unravel. My Best Friend found a lump in her breast. After a mammogram, various testing, doctor appointments, and so on, she was scheduled for a mastectomy. I spent the day at the hospital with her wife and another friend, waiting. Cancer was found in the lymph nodes also but otherwise the surgery went well. I struggle daily to stay strong for them both. Burying deep the fear of losing another loved one so soon after losing V. So far, I've managed to do so. I've only fallen apart once and I called another friend until I could get myself together again. The results from the pathology tests came back. The tumor is at Stage 3 and she now faces Chemotherapy and Radiation. But not alone, never alone. Between myself, her wife, and other family and friends, she will never be alone. I used what little money I had set aside as a down payment for the car. I won't deny, I needed the car. My little cavalier was going down hill and I'd already paid out about $1000.00 in repairs. I would have been ok financially, except that I haven't seen any child support since the end of August and that was not even half of what I'm owed. I'm behind in bills and it frustrates me. I held onto hope though, that I'd be able to come up with at least the gas money for my trip north. Found out this weekend, his work schedule changed and he's working all next weekend. So, really, no point in driving up. I wouldn't get to spend any time with him. I was looking so forward to it. A chance to get out of town, forget all my worries for one weekend, and best of all, spend a weekend with my friend. Oh well, there will hopefully be other opportunities to go up. I'm tired, I'm frustrated and anymore, I just want to curl up in a little ball and tell the world to eff off. But I can't, and I won't. I made promises to never close myself off and shut down like I did last year. Ok. Enough wallowing in self pity. Tomorrow's a new day. I will not fall apart.

Things I didn't say

Before I even knew how much I needed you, 

You walked back into my life,

With that smile I fell in love with,

All those years ago.

You wrapped your arms around me,

And the years disappeared,

As if the last time you held me,

Was only yesterday.

Our time together was short,

We shared memories,

Built new ones,

And dreamed of the future.

When it was all said and done,

Hearts and passions shared,

Instead of saying what was hidden deep down,

I stood, and watched you walk away. 

And now I sit here,

Holding back the tears,

Wishing I had asked you,

 To please, just stay.

Retreat wrap up

I meant to write my final blog on the retreat Sunday, but chores wait for no one, and mine were patiently waiting for me Sunday evening. All I can really say is, Wow! Last weekend was such an amazing and wonderful experience. My heart feels light and I find myself laughing more. I wish I could find the words to properly convey what I walked away with last weekend. Monday night was our first small faith community meeting. It was so cool to sit down in a small group of people who share my faith. We will be studying and learning more about the Catholic faith and the Holy Trinity. I look forward to our weekly meetings. Hopefully, down the road, I'll be able to find a regular babysitter so my son can stay home. And now it's time for my nightly devotional and prayers.

Retreat day 2

There are no words to truly describe today. It was amazing, wonderful, filled with love, laughter, tears, and release. For so many years, I felt lost, merely going through the motions of being Catholic. Today has changed that feeling. Finally, I let go of old hurts and fears, embraced God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit in my life. For the first time, I felt the Holy Spirt move through me. It was fire and ice, raging storm and peaceful mountain lake all at once. All those times camping when the sheer beauty of the mountains would take my breath away, I can now recognize as the Holy Spirit reaching out to me, if I only knew how to listen. Tomorrow will be the last day of the retreat. I am saddened by this, but also filled with joy because I have grown closer to my God, my Savior and his Holy Ghost. We will be placed in our small faith communities and I am looking forward to meeting them and continuing to grow in my faith. I don't feel so lost anymore. I know who I am and I can see the road ahead, more clearly than I have in my life. I open my heart to you Lord. My life is yours to do with as you see fit. Mind, body, soul, I am yours.

Retreat: Day 1

I made it through work, excited and nervous for the first day of the retreat. I don't know a lot of people at my church so I was a little scared when I first walked in. Thankfully one of my Son's teachers was there. She greeted me and we chatted for a bit until more of what would be my faith community for the weekend showed up. We ate dinner and talked, just taking some time to get to know each other. After all, we would be spending the weekend together. After dinner, we gathered in the gym, singing at first. We sang many of my favorite hymns. I just lost myself in the music. We listened to speakers then broke into our smaller groups to talk. I found myself opening up and letting out hurts that I had buried deep. It was different somehow, opening myself to these women I'd just met versus talking with my family and friends. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Pre-Evangelization Retreat Weekend

Thursday night ... The day before the retreat begins: I have confirmed my registration for the retreat. I was told to wear comfy clothes and bring a pillow to sit on, since we'll be sitting a lot. I was given a phone number that I could be contacted at in case of emergency. It will be weird to not have my phone with me. I carry it everywhere (except Church Sunday mornings) mostly so my Son's school/daycare can reach me. All meals will be provided, so I won't have to cook until Sunday evening. My Son gets to spend the weekend with his Dad and my folks, what a treat for him! The retreat runs Friday 5:30 to 9:00 pm, Saturday 7:00 am to 9:00 pm, and Sunday 7:15 am to 4:30. Oh my ... But considering I've been trying to go to one for almost two years, the time is finally here. My boy is taken care of for the weekend and my busy schedule cleared for this. Through out the divorce I turned to my faith for the strength to make it though the rough road my life was on. Now, it's time to take that faith a step further and renew my relationship with Him. If I'm not too tired tomorrow night, I'll write more.