Random thoughts for today

Yesterday was all grey skies, rain, and a pleasant 60 degrees out. Today? Blue skies, white fluffy clouds, a chilly wind. I love Idaho. It has finally clicked in my head that my little boy is no longer so little. He's out of his booster seat in the car, staying home by himself for short periods of time, and no longer wants to order from the kids menu at McDonald's. On top of that? He's outgrown the bicycle that I didn't teach him to ride. Guess we'll have to start shopping around for a new one. I am always astounded at how angry fellow commuters get with me because I am following the traffic laws. The 12 piece dish set I bought for myself after the divorce is down to 6 pieces and two of those have cracks in them. I voted in the school levy today for our school district. In the 19 years that I've been voting, I still get goosebumps when they announce that I have voted. My boy is now in the 4th grade. In all the years he's been in school, we've never received a letter about head lice, until now. This school year, he has brought home 3 letters informing us of a diagnosed case of head lice. I enjoy the silly little quizzes floating around Facebook from Buzzfeed and Zimbio. It might be time I get a life. All right, that's all for now.

When your cat has had enough

The last couple of days have found me home and in bed. I've not been feeling well this week and yesterday I woke up with a fever. My oldest cat Hawk looked very surprised yesterday when I walked back in after dropping my boy off at daycare. He became very disgruntled after I moved him from my spot in the bed so I could lay back down. Both kitties adjusted and snuggled with me most of the morning. The landscapers were working outside and after about an hour I decided to move out to the front room. Fizgig followed and snuggled some more with me. This morning I still wasn't feeling that well so I stayed home again. Again, I had to move Hawk from my spot. I was just starting to drift asleep when I hear the sound that every cat parent knows. There's a hairball about to make an appearance. I sat up and sure enough, there's Hawk, right next to me getting ready to hack up that hairball. All. over. my. bed. So now, no one gets to sleep in the bed and while I wash all the bedding. Hawk is a talented cat and managed to get that hairball over the sheets and two blankets. Point 1 for Hawk.

My Subaru, the Drama Queen

So I've decided that my sexy Subaru is a bit of drama queen. Last week, the check engine light came on and the cruise control light started blinking, sending well known panic through me. Crap ... I can't be without my car and I sure as heck can't afford a mechanics bill. Ah well, nothing to do for it, but call up the dealers service department and make the appointment. At the very least, I would need a diagnostic run to see what the error was. The manager at the service department reassured me that since the check engine light was not blinking, it wouldn't be too serious. Now keep in mind, my sexy Subaru did something similar to this last winter. That was a computer chip and I am so glad I bought the extended warranty which covered most of the cost. So, into the shop she went today. I got to drive the dreaded PT Loser ... um Cruiser, back to work and waited anxiously for word. The oil was dirty. That was it. She needed an oil change and an engine additive to clean her up. Granted, yes, she was overdue for her oil change, but not by that much. She'd gone much longer last time before the oil was changed. That would be a whoops on my part. I've very politely asked my sexy Subaru to next time not be such a drama queen and find another way to remind me she was due for an oil change. Better yet, maybe I should just keep track of her mileage better.

Memories and music

So first, if you haven't noticed, I've made a few changes to the blog. I've decided it's time to focus on other things in my life. It's been five years since the divorce and I need to put my energy in other, more positive places. I've found my road you could say. When I was growing up, I loved music. When I got my first stereo (with a CD player!) I used to plug in my headphones, turn on a CD and just lose myself in the music. Other times, I would play the latest CD in my collection while I read. I never really thought about it, until I picked up an album I haven't listened to in years. All of a sudden, I remembered the books I was reading when I first listened to that CD. I had just discovered the Dragonlance series. Well, ok, maybe not just discovered. I had already burned through the Chronicles and had just started on the Twins trilogy. About that time I also acquired my first copy of Harry Nilsson's All Time Greatest Hits. The CD played in the background as I avidly read about Raistlin, Crysania, Caramon and Tas' adventures. The song playing in my car took me back to the story. And then I started thinking more about music and its associations in my life. On my walk today, I played The Green Man. And just like that, I was transported back to the day Lola bought the CD for me. I was leaving for my first trip to Hawaii and Lola, knowing how much I loved celtic music, but was a little afraid of the very long flight ahead of me bought this CD for me. I listened to it on the flight over. I listened to it for the first couple of nights as I adjusted to the strange surroundings. Even now, listening to it, I can almost hear the ocean in the background and smell the fresh Hawaiian air. More songs and memories keep popping up. There is a Styx song that every time I hear it, I am transported back to high school and my first dates with my old flame. A Moody Blues song always reminds of my best friend who now lives in another state. Another song I can't listen to anymore because an ex boyfriend ruined it for me. He made up his own lyrics and I hated them. Now, when I hear it, I don't hear the song anymore, but him singing the terrible lyrics that he found so funny. Most memories are good though. Some are bittersweet. Like the song that was sang at my grandmothers funeral. I tear up every time we sing it at church now. I can still see her smile and occasionally hear her laugh. And so on and so on.

Poor little blog

Yesh ... looks like I've been neglecting the blog thing again. Every time I've felt like writing, I end up just going to bed. Hmm ... do I keep the blog and try harder to write every day or at least once a week or give the darn thing up? Decisions, decisions ... Guess I'll give this a try again.

Frustration Abounds (Beware ... Ranting ahead)

I don't even know where to start. It's the Christmas season ... and I'm not feeling it. No excitement, no magic, nothing. Just going through the motions for my boy, who as any 8 year old would be, is excited for the Holidays. Missing far too many people who are no longer here. The holiday season makes it worse. I've made peace with the whole being single thing, but sometimes, when surrounded by couples, the loneliness overwhelms. Fear and concern for a dear friend going through chemotherapy and recovering from a mastectomy. Trying to be strong for her and her wife, help them with the only thing I can, emotional support and love. My finances have gone down the tank. Just when I think I'm getting my head above water, another bill jumps out and screams "SURPRISE!" Most recently, I received a very nice letter from the PMI who holds the $12,000 promissory note I had to sign in order to short sell my home a year ago. They have told me that I obviously have the money and am simply refusing to pay them because 1. I haven't made a payment recently and 2. haven't contacted them (which I have) and that they are going to turn me over to an attorney. Hooray! The original deal we made was for me to call when I mailed a payment in. I haven't been able to mail a payment in, so I called (last month I believe), left a message explaining the whole scraping to make ends meet and never heard back. My bad to assume they got the message and understood that as soon I could scrape up the payment, I would call and mail it in. Grumble ... stupid, stupid me to even sign the damn thing in the first place. I was just so desperate to get rid of that damn house. Deep breath ... And so, I do the only thing I can ... swallow it all down, take it day by day, and pray for a miracle. I can do this. I really can. Deep breath ... Ok. Ranting over. Tomorrow is a new day and well, housework calls.

Falling Apart

Looking back over the Summer, it seemed that things were going so well. Renewed the lease on my awesome apartment. Fun summer outings with my boy. Afternoons at the pool with my boy and friends. Reconnecting with a longtime friend and old flame. Purchased a new car (well new to me anyways). Road trip to Reno to see my oldest Brother and his family, in my new car. A planned road trip up north to see my longtime friend. And then, slowly, everything started to unravel. My Best Friend found a lump in her breast. After a mammogram, various testing, doctor appointments, and so on, she was scheduled for a mastectomy. I spent the day at the hospital with her wife and another friend, waiting. Cancer was found in the lymph nodes also but otherwise the surgery went well. I struggle daily to stay strong for them both. Burying deep the fear of losing another loved one so soon after losing V. So far, I've managed to do so. I've only fallen apart once and I called another friend until I could get myself together again. The results from the pathology tests came back. The tumor is at Stage 3 and she now faces Chemotherapy and Radiation. But not alone, never alone. Between myself, her wife, and other family and friends, she will never be alone. I used what little money I had set aside as a down payment for the car. I won't deny, I needed the car. My little cavalier was going down hill and I'd already paid out about $1000.00 in repairs. I would have been ok financially, except that I haven't seen any child support since the end of August and that was not even half of what I'm owed. I'm behind in bills and it frustrates me. I held onto hope though, that I'd be able to come up with at least the gas money for my trip north. Found out this weekend, his work schedule changed and he's working all next weekend. So, really, no point in driving up. I wouldn't get to spend any time with him. I was looking so forward to it. A chance to get out of town, forget all my worries for one weekend, and best of all, spend a weekend with my friend. Oh well, there will hopefully be other opportunities to go up. I'm tired, I'm frustrated and anymore, I just want to curl up in a little ball and tell the world to eff off. But I can't, and I won't. I made promises to never close myself off and shut down like I did last year. Ok. Enough wallowing in self pity. Tomorrow's a new day. I will not fall apart.

Things I didn't say

Before I even knew how much I needed you, 

You walked back into my life,

With that smile I fell in love with,

All those years ago.

You wrapped your arms around me,

And the years disappeared,

As if the last time you held me,

Was only yesterday.

Our time together was short,

We shared memories,

Built new ones,

And dreamed of the future.

When it was all said and done,

Hearts and passions shared,

Instead of saying what was hidden deep down,

I stood, and watched you walk away. 

And now I sit here,

Holding back the tears,

Wishing I had asked you,

 To please, just stay.

Retreat wrap up

I meant to write my final blog on the retreat Sunday, but chores wait for no one, and mine were patiently waiting for me Sunday evening. All I can really say is, Wow! Last weekend was such an amazing and wonderful experience. My heart feels light and I find myself laughing more. I wish I could find the words to properly convey what I walked away with last weekend. Monday night was our first small faith community meeting. It was so cool to sit down in a small group of people who share my faith. We will be studying and learning more about the Catholic faith and the Holy Trinity. I look forward to our weekly meetings. Hopefully, down the road, I'll be able to find a regular babysitter so my son can stay home. And now it's time for my nightly devotional and prayers.

Retreat day 2

There are no words to truly describe today. It was amazing, wonderful, filled with love, laughter, tears, and release. For so many years, I felt lost, merely going through the motions of being Catholic. Today has changed that feeling. Finally, I let go of old hurts and fears, embraced God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit in my life. For the first time, I felt the Holy Spirt move through me. It was fire and ice, raging storm and peaceful mountain lake all at once. All those times camping when the sheer beauty of the mountains would take my breath away, I can now recognize as the Holy Spirit reaching out to me, if I only knew how to listen. Tomorrow will be the last day of the retreat. I am saddened by this, but also filled with joy because I have grown closer to my God, my Savior and his Holy Ghost. We will be placed in our small faith communities and I am looking forward to meeting them and continuing to grow in my faith. I don't feel so lost anymore. I know who I am and I can see the road ahead, more clearly than I have in my life. I open my heart to you Lord. My life is yours to do with as you see fit. Mind, body, soul, I am yours.

Retreat: Day 1

I made it through work, excited and nervous for the first day of the retreat. I don't know a lot of people at my church so I was a little scared when I first walked in. Thankfully one of my Son's teachers was there. She greeted me and we chatted for a bit until more of what would be my faith community for the weekend showed up. We ate dinner and talked, just taking some time to get to know each other. After all, we would be spending the weekend together. After dinner, we gathered in the gym, singing at first. We sang many of my favorite hymns. I just lost myself in the music. We listened to speakers then broke into our smaller groups to talk. I found myself opening up and letting out hurts that I had buried deep. It was different somehow, opening myself to these women I'd just met versus talking with my family and friends. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Pre-Evangelization Retreat Weekend

Thursday night ... The day before the retreat begins: I have confirmed my registration for the retreat. I was told to wear comfy clothes and bring a pillow to sit on, since we'll be sitting a lot. I was given a phone number that I could be contacted at in case of emergency. It will be weird to not have my phone with me. I carry it everywhere (except Church Sunday mornings) mostly so my Son's school/daycare can reach me. All meals will be provided, so I won't have to cook until Sunday evening. My Son gets to spend the weekend with his Dad and my folks, what a treat for him! The retreat runs Friday 5:30 to 9:00 pm, Saturday 7:00 am to 9:00 pm, and Sunday 7:15 am to 4:30. Oh my ... But considering I've been trying to go to one for almost two years, the time is finally here. My boy is taken care of for the weekend and my busy schedule cleared for this. Through out the divorce I turned to my faith for the strength to make it though the rough road my life was on. Now, it's time to take that faith a step further and renew my relationship with Him. If I'm not too tired tomorrow night, I'll write more.

Content and Zen-like

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." ~Thornton Wilder

I went to a good friends house last night for dinner and afterwards we all went to Winter Garden aGlow. In the course of the conversation, I stated simply that I am content with my life. I enjoy my job, love the people I work with, and can honestly see myself working there until retirement. I am comfortable in my apartment and living the apartment life. Granted, I've only been here for about 6 months, but there is a certain amount of relief in being an apartment tenant. I don't have the same worries and concerns as with a house. I feel that I can focus my time and energy in maintaing my life and relationships, not maintaining a house and yard.

Well, this started the hamster and his wheel in my brain. The more I think about it, the more I feel Content and Zen towards my life.

I have a plan for the next 6 months to a year. I won't plan any further out than that, because that's when Fate steps in and goes squish!

I'm going to continue working on my health. Gotta get that blood pressure down and weight while I'm at it.

I need to start putting money in savings and getting my household budget worked out. For one, my car is going to need to be replaced soon. For another, I'm sick of living pay check to pay check. And at some point in time, I really would like to buy a new TV for the living room. No particular reason ... just because I want one.

I'm going to focus on the simpler things in life. Spending time with my boy, friends and family but also spending time by myself. I've realized that I need my alone time to keep myself balanced and focused.

Lastly, I need to remind myself to give in once in a while and buy or do something not because it's a need but because it's a want.

I won't deny that this has been a difficult year for me. And while I am still dealing with the grief and fall out of the year, I am also counting the blessings in my life. My dragon said it best when he posted this quote on my Facebook page:

"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself"

Walter Anderson

I've spent far too much time wrapped in my hurt and sorrow. Because of that, I've missed out on something beautiful and precious ... my life.

Time to live my life.

Lifestyle changes

It's not that late, but I am weary. My bed calls to me and yet I am reluctant to find my way to it. This has a been long week, full of worry and fear.

I've been taken off my birth control and so this week has been a roller coaster of emotions as my body adjusts. I'm trying to make changes to my lifestyle. Eating better, exercise, giving up a few bad habits. And the roller coaster continues.

Gave blood this morning and now I have to wait for the results. Wondering what the results will be and what it all could possibly mean.

I'm tired and home alone tonight. My bed is big and feeling far to empty. I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.

Midnight Randomness

In the dark of night,

Alone

One silent tear escapes

Followed by another

In the empty night

Alone

No one to hear

The lonely tears

In the dark of night

Alone

There's no one to hear

The pain in my cries

Retaining Sanity

So, I've been neglecting the blog, however it's been a busy summer.

In June the apartment I was hoping for became available sooner than expected and so we moved. I could have waited and continued to live in the house, but honestly, it was wearing me down. I didn't know if the lender would approve the short sale or if the house would foreclose first. I was tired of strange people walking through my home, with an eye to potentially buy it.

The move went smoothly, and my boy and I both are very happy with the new place. He especially loves the swimming pool. :-)

The problem soon began when I had to spend most of my free time at the house, working on the yard and such. I have to continue to pay utilities and maintain the house. The paperwork for the short sale has been submitted four times now, the last two times with an offer attached. I have someone who wants to buy the house and yet, I can't move forward with the sale because the lender won't approve it.

I'm still living out of boxes. I haven't had time to unpack them.

No time for camping trips or anything like that. I did take one weekend for myself and went to Lewiston.

And now, here's the kicker. The lender drove by the house today and flipped out because the house is vacant. Even though they knew it was vacant in JUNE! My real estate agent reassured them, then, that all the utilities were still on and that I was going over there several times a week to take care of the property.

So, I called my agent back today and told her that yes, as before, the utilities were on and I was still going over there to maintain the yard. I had not been over there for the last week due to not feeling well, but had planned to go over this weekend and try to get caught up. Which will be interesting, since I don't have a lawnmower anymore.

Well, now the buyer is worried that the trees and everything is dying because I haven't been over there. The backyard is dead I'm afraid. I have only been keeping up on the front so I don't accrue any fines from the HOA. *sigh*

So here's the idea from my agent. Let the buyer move in now as the caretaker for the property. Buyer would take over utilities and all the yard work while we wait for the freakin' lender to approve the darn short sale. I really could care less. I would have sent the darn keys to the lender long ago except the Ex convinced me it was better to try and make the short sale work. Easy for him to say, he's not doing any of the yard work or responsible for the utilities.

On top of all this, my boy has been acting out more lately. And I have received some criticism on my parenting skills that just hurts. I'm doing the best I can and honestly, calling his dad or some other male figure in his life to back me up will not help. I feel it will only undermine my authority with him. He's 7 years old for pete's sake and from a broken home. There has been a lot of change in his life the last couple of years and I think he's handled it pretty darn well. So, yes, he fights with me and talks back to me. I am being the best single mom I know how to be.

I miss my heart-sister. This weekend, her family goes to their cabin to spread her ashes and set her headstone. I wish I could be there. It's been 5 months since the angels took her, and it feels like yesterday. Sometimes, I can still hear her voice. Some days, I reach for my phone to call her or send a text.

So, every day, I take a deep breath. Remind myself of all the blessings in my life. Hold onto the hope that the pain and frustration won't last forever.

I take it all day by day.

I kneel down and pray.

I dredge up the strength to retain my sanity.

Musings ...

Where there is life, there is hope.

Where there is hope, there is faith.

Where there is faith, there is love.

And where there is love, darkness cannot prevail.

Lost in the dark

The last couple of weeks have been difficult and I often feel as if I am wandering, lost in the dark.

In one week, my world has dimmed.

I miss my heart sister. And even though I know she would not want me to grieve and sorrow as much as I am, I'm finding it difficult not to. She was my sister in everything but blood, my best friend, my angel and my light. I grieve for her family and friends to whom she meant so much to. What else can I do but to continue on with my daily life and try not to think too much of the pain in my heart? I hope she won't be too mad at me when we meet again further down the road.

I'm losing my house. The payments are just too much and I'm so very tired of struggling month to month to make ends meet. It hurts every time I have to tell my Son no when he asks if we can do this or that because I don't have the money. It bothers me that I cannot properly maintain my home and yard simply because paying the mortgage and bills leaves me with nothing.

I spoke with my mortgage company and there is nothing they can do to drop my mortgage payments. The options they gave me? One: get a roommate. Hmmm, well I have one of those and since my change in pay grade, it's just not enough anymore. Raising his rent is not an option. Two: Get a second job. I work full time (40 hours a week) and I'm a single mom. Really? You expect me to get another job, miss out on my son's life and spend half of the second check to pay for his care? Try again. Three: Short sell the house. Oh joy. Try to sell my poor, run down house in a neighborhood with half a dozen homes already in foreclosure or short sale. The kicker to a short sale? My ex would have to do everything with me. And our credit will be shot for 7 to 10 years. Even better was the last comment: "I'll understand if you decide to no longer make your payments, but realize it's going to affect your credit." What, like the short sale wouldn't? Come on people throw me a friggin bone here! I have busted my ass these last two and a half years to make my payments on time and in full. And when I come to you, asking for help to stay in my home, this is what I get???

I am hurting, sorrowing, grieving and very, very angry. There is no help for me and it frustrates the hell outta me. Tomorrow I will call the housing counselors that are offered free through my credit union and see what they have to say. I'm scared of what they'll have to say. I'm not sure if I want them to help me stay in my home or if it is really time to let it go, walk away from it all and start all over.

And just when I think my path is the darkest it's been, somehow, a beam of sunlight peaks through, to remind me of one very special angel watching over us all. Blindly I may walk this road, but I walk it holding tightly to the love of those in my life, my hope, my faith, and prayers that this is the road the Lord intended for me.

Sorrow and Peace

It's not really goodbye my friend, I will see you later

Fly on angel wings and be at peace, heart sister

Going Pink!

Well dear readers, as you may have noticed, my blog has turned pink! This is in honor of my bestest friend and heartsister, V.

She is a breast cancer survivor and this year will be our third year of participating in the Komen Race for the Cure.

Interested in walking with us or perhaps donating to our team? Our team name is Battling for Boobies and the website is www.komenboise.org. You can also find our team shirts with a very special logo at http://www.cafepress.com/gamergeekswp. Proceeds from the Cafe Press sales are split between the Komen Foundation and V's medical bills.

Questions? Just leave me a comment and I will get back to you!